Imagine you are an ancient Greek in 7th century B.C.E. As you lounge about with your best friend, you think about the feelings you have for them. You may not love them romantically, but you do feel affection for them. How would you describe this?
Luckily, the Greeks had an answer. They would categorize this type of “love” as philia, originating from the Greek word φιλία, which refers to an affectionate love between close friends.
The Greeks had their own words to describe different kinds of love such as στοργή, or storge, a type of love often felt by parents to their children and vice versa.
If that’s not the word you’re looking for, you might be interested in ἀγάπη or agape, love of the divine or a higher power. There is also philautia, self love pragma, an enduring love that grows over time, or ludus, a playful and flirtatious kind of love.
Finally, there is ἔρως, or eros, which is used to describe the type of lustful, erotic love one might feel for their significant other. Eros and ludus can be said as the most common type of love associated with Valentine’s Day.
However with Valentine’s Day, a holiday that is largely based on romance and affection, it is important to recognize that not everyone experiences this holiday the same way.
The aromantic and asexual (aroace) spectrum is a wide and varied part of the LGBTQIA+ community. People on the aroace spectrum experience what we commonly refer to as “love” in different ways. Oxford University defines someone who identifies as asexual as, “someone who does not experience sexual attraction”. The term aromantic is defined as, “someone who does not experience romantic attraction”.
However, the entirety of the aroace spectrum is not confined to these two definitions. These are just two of the many identities used by the community that fall under the asexual and aromantic umbrella.
“One important thing to remember about the asexual and aromantic communities is that there’s a lot of internal diversity within them,” said Dr. Canton Winer, an assistant professor from the University of Northern Illinois. “Some asexual people are also aromantic, but some aren’t. Some asexual people are sexually active, some aren’t. Some asexual people are in or desire romantic relationships, others don’t.”
Less than one percent of the world population identify as asexual or aromantic. Although the community may be small, people are closer than you might think.
“I feel like I typically associate Valentine’s Day more as showcasing love for the people in your life,” said Hanna Amick, an aromantic 22 year old junior studying psychology. “I think I really do love the idea of Galentines and the overall holiday being about love rather than couples. Of course I would love to steal my friends from their significant others and have a girl’s night, but that’s just not practical.”
Although she’s not stealing her friends away from their loved ones, she is still celebrating them in her own way.
“Every Valentine’s Day, I do this big post on my Instagram where I include all my friends that I love,” Amick said. “I feel like if you dwell on the idea it’s about couples and intimacy and that type of stuff, it just doesn’t make it fun.”
Amick shared a story about a Valentine’s Day in fifth grade that made her question her desire to be in a relationship. She felt awkward after her Valentine had his brother deliver her a Valentine’s Day gift. The next day, he asked her if she would be his girlfriend.
“I was like, ‘uhh, no. This is gonna ruin our friendship,’” Amick said with a laugh. “And in fifth grade I was talking like that. It was a long-standing principle that I just always associated with.”
Amick is not the only one who stays far away from romance on Valentine’s Day.
“Some years (usually when I was younger), my mom and/or dad would get me candy, toys or some other little present,” said Lorena Alvarado, a 22 year old asexual aromantic with a Narrative Arts BFA. “But I basically just eat yummy candy while wearing a Valentine’s-themed outfit and call it a day.”
Amick and Alvarado both share similar thoughts on how Valentine’s Day is portrayed in the media.
“I really hate it when movies and other stories add unnecessary romantic subplots that do nothing for the story,” Alvarado said. “I guess a lot of media is very saturated in the romance department, and it can be pretty easy to push aside the portrayal of platonic relationships, which I’d argue are easily just as important.”
A lot is unknown about the asexual and aromantic community. Where there is a lack of information, there is also ignorance and assumptions about the community at large.
“If you are asexual a lot of people put the stigma on you like, ‘Oh you’re not really,’ or ‘Oh, you’re just insecure,’” Amick said. “And I’m like, ‘Bro, maybe I just don’t like it.’ I have a lot of love. I’m just straying away from that romantic stuff.”
Valentine’s Day is a holiday about love. What’s important to remember is that this holiday encompasses all kinds of love, not only the romantic kind.
“But overall, the rise of people identifying as asexual and aromantic is a reminder that we shouldn’t assume sex and romance are appealing to everyone,” Winer said. “That’s obviously relevant on Valentine’s Day, but it’s relevant the rest of the year too.”
