Congratulations! Only five days ago, you gave birth to the baby girl that fans “didn’t know about,” even though we SO already knew. The name is up in the air, but fans are guessing Butterfly; we’re hoping you’re more creative than a colorful moth. Names aside, Travis Scott tweeted that a new “rager” has been born, but please don’t go throwing your baby into any mosh pits just yet.
We get why you hid the pregnancy–spotlights might be just a little too bright for an unborn child–but we are praying this was more than a promo for “Life of Kylie.” Fans were, quite honestly, over it after Season one, which is pretty much an ego destroyer for you, all things considered, you still got only half the viewers that “Rob and Chyna” had, and you didn’t even have revenge porn. Maybe it would just be best to leave the whole thing in the past and move on with your life. You can always guest star when Khloe’s spin-off succeeds, right?
Moving past this somewhat dark career point and into the important questions. We hear that you’re “so over” your lip injections–does this mean the demise of Kylie Cosmetics? Will Colourpop reign supreme? Do we have to start buying…Gasp, GENERIC lip kits? Look, maybe motherhood changed you (for better or worse), but you have to think about the millions of girls who will no longer have a place to spend their mothers’ money, and may even have to result in lip injections of their own. This is a slippery slope, Kylie. A slippery slope, indeed.
It’s 2018, Ky, and we still haven’t seen the threequel for “Rebels: City of Indra.” Maybe no one read the first one, (too busy watching KUWTK?), but we did, and what are we going to do without a continuation of your fantasy author status? To be honest, all jokes aside, its not your best work, but it was certainly better than your one-hit wonder (kind of) pop solo career. We aren’t even sure it really exists, but we would like to believe that someone else wrote this song just so you don’t have to take credit for it. We can let the lead singer of Terror Jr. stay an enigma. In fact, maybe it’s best that this one stays a mystery. Rest in peace, “Glosses.” Maybe we should leave the music career to your baby daddy.
In summary: The whole world watched you grow on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” and we can’t even imagine how pressured your life must have been. You struggled through your relationship with Tyga, the strains that fame put on you and Kendall, but you have thrived recently in your ability to put yourself (and your baby) first. We commend you for your decision, and we can’t wait to see what’s next in the life of Kylie (but not on “Life of Kylie”).
Logan and Shannon