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Horoscopes 7/23/2014


All of your standard food options have become poison. Seek out alternative food sources such as copy paper, grass from the intramural field and wood chips from the flower beds. Garnish your feast with a collection of pond scum, children’s tears and your college hopes and dreams.


Today you and Vladimir Putin will be united in one spirit. Go about your day as you normally would, although to benefit fully from your spiritual connection, you must be shirtless at all times, riding a large, ferocious Russian bear named Boris. If your fellow students object to your spiritual journey, immediately enter their place of residence and forcibly subdue them while ignoring the protests of their neighbors.


Today that bowl of Lucky Charms you ate turns out to be the opposite of lucky. All day long you will have Adam Sandler following you around and narrating your life as 7 different characters. Happy Gilmore is not one of those characters.


The universe has decided that those nights of lonely nerdiness must be remedied. Don your cape, dramatically strap on your lightsaber, pack your Pokemon cards and head out to the quad. Announce yourself with memorable one line quotes. When someone responds in kind, you will have found your true love.


Today all of those years of listening to Drake will finally catch up to you. While sitting in class, you will suddenly break into tears about your former high school love. All of your classmates will laugh and judge you and you will be forced to move to Alaska and live out of an abandoned school bus. Fear not, Drake will be there with you to cry alongside you as he whispers sweet nothings into your ear.


That math test you spent all night studying for won’t go well. It’s time to make like “Frozen” and just let it go. Time to drop out of school and work downtown under the name of Indigo.

Virgo: To reap your daily karma benefits, you must dwell in irony for the day. To prepare yourself, listen to a random folk song that is at least seven years old and forage for outfits in the donation pile at the local Youth Ranch. During the day, roll your eyes when anyone mentions anything that happened in the last five years.


That dream you had last night about being abducted by aliens turns out to be reality. The only way to escape their ship is to eat the magic beans and slide down to corn stalk back to your boring life working in a cubicle.


Your early high school years are calling. Spend the day using sexual double entendres, shopping at Hollister and yelling “Burnnnnnnn!” every time your professors make a statement. Finish off your day watching the first season of “Family Guy” while viewing random female profiles on MySpace.


Your attempts to get a tan this summer will be futile. Instead of your skin turning into a tan color, you just begin to turn green and grow larger. All of your clothes will be torn to shreds and you will be forced to do all of your shopping at a back alley Wal-Mart.


Unbeknownst to you, your health is rapidly declining. To halt this decline, you must ingest 16 gallons of Mountain Dew into your body during a 24 hour period. Video games, wrestling matches and cheesy action movies are allowed during this time although bathroom breaks are prohibited.


You will come across a large bag of money today. Instead of spending it on food for your friends and family, you decide to spend it all at Hollister in order to “swag ‘yoself out”.” Because of this, you lose all of your friends and live a lonely life in your bachelor pad. Well played.