Aries (March 21-April 19):
For too long, you have dreamed about being on the silver screen, wowing audiences with your amazing acting skills and god given talent. Go ahead and quit your job, you don’t need any of those dollars because soon you will be rolling in all of that movie star money. I heard being in the movies is easy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Avoid saunas! These steamy dungeons of hellfire are where countless inappropriate acts and disgusting talk take place with strangers. Why, just the other day, I was sitting in the sauna and somebody walked in with just a towel on. Imagine my sheer horror as I hid my face in my wool sweater.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You are going to have some amazing visions, or dreams as the scientists insist on calling them. These visions are not just mere night time brain activity though, they are omens from the past and future. These visions will show you the truth. Confusingly, they will mostly about pancakes and public nudity.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
After drugging you, driving you out to the desert and leaving you to die of exposure and thirst, you will start to see your friends in a different light. This happens. Remember to realign your chakra and make sure to make a special trip down to the police station to report this grisly crime to the proper authorities.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
You may have caught one of those nasty little cold bugs this week, but you are still focused and ready to accomplish your goals. No mountain is too high nor valley to low for you to navigate through. Remember anything in this life is possible if you believe. Except for becoming an astronaut. That’s way too hard.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Today you may decide you have not read enough lately. After realizing this and having the gravity of the situation sink in, you will go on a shameless reading bender where you finally hit rock bottom reading dirty notes scrawled into the stalls of restrooms downtown. Police will be forced
to drag you from the filthy stall.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Expanding your understanding of the arts is important to you. That’s why you have chosen to dress in all black, wear a beret and chain smoke cigarettes outside of the local used record store. Besides, life is just meaningless anyway. All of these people running around for nothing. I mean, c’mon man…
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
A lack of any real knowledge of the internet will cause you to upload multiple Russian made viruses into the mainframe of your office business causing Skynet to become active. Soon the machines will come and make war on the humans, ravaging our planet with nuclear weapons and death.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
This week, you will begin to take a nutritional supplement that is usually advertised on late night cable infomercials. Overall you have never had more energy and are feeling pretty damn good. Besides the rage tantrums where you head butt strangers in coffee shops, you are better than ever!
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Your ex will send you a couple passive aggressive text messages this week. Keep your cool and do not act like child in return. Just remember to send all of your replies back in Spanish so they are confused about your correspondence. Unless they speak the language or took Spanish class, then you’re screwed.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
All of your deeply held passions and beliefs will be shattered this week when you learn that former president George W. Bush (also known as the sexiest president ever) is still happily married to his wife, Laura Bush. Sorry, the closest anyone ever got to bedding old George was Dick Cheney. But he has a bad heart.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
A planned flight to Denver will result in you saving the entire plane from an elaborately planned terrorist attack. After noticing a man nearby has emitted a loud and lengthy fart, you will quickly tackle him and force a handful of digestive tablets down his throat while choking on the gas filled air.