News Ticker

Horoscopes 5/1/14

Aries (March 21- April 19):
Pack up your camping gear and get ready to head for the outdoors. Being cooped up all winter has caused you to lose your tan and has put you in a dark and dreary mood. Stop by your favorite clothing boutique and pick out some new summer wear. Don’t listen to your friends and family who say you should wear anything more than a black thong.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
After hoarding your money underneath your mattress and various spots on your property, you will suddenly decide to dig up all of your buried jars of cash and head to a local bank. The idea that strangers will hold your money for you will freak you out at first, but finally you will submit to modern personal finance practices and pay high ATM and overdraft fees.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Sometimes getting your blood pumping is the best way to manage daily stress. There are so many things you can do to get some great cardio workouts going. I suggest finding a pilates partner or joining a long distance bicycle group with some friends. My favorite thing to do is commit petty crime in full view of police, then run like hell.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Seeing the pro-life activists on campus holding pictures of aborted fetuses will really cause you to question some of our societies sick practices. I mean, who in the hell takes a low resolution picture of an aborted fetus and tries to blow it up to poster board size? Unless you take a high quality photo, those horrifying photos will turn out all pixelated.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Your political aspirations started at a very young age when your mother told you that one day you could become president. Keep in mind, she did specify what organization you would be president of. Most likely, she meant president of the United States but I am perfectly sure she is happy to know you are president of your own prison gang.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your new job is so easy, it’s like taking candy from a baby. In fact, your new job involves stealing candy from small children in an effort to prevent adolescent tooth decay. This new job created by Premiere Obama (communist president) will require you to quickly snatch candy out of the innocent hands of young children who will cry bitterly.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Nothing to worry about Libra, you are riding high on the wave of success. Like a wave, your success will peak this week as you are promoted to the title of assistant french fry chef at the local Burger King. Do not listen to those who say your job is too easy and doesn’t pay enough. Those Burger King executives know what is best for your family.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Well, I guess you have reached the end of the line here Scorpio. You are becoming quite close to biting the bullet, taking the old dirt nap. In a short 60 years, you will seccumb to old age and die surrounded by loved family members in your own home. I am sorry to have to break this to you, but you only have 60 years left to live. Make them count.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
After registering for a Tinder account on your smartphone, you will enter a whole new world of dating opportunities you never thought existed. Just don’t get too comfortable with hooking up with strangers on the internet. You may wake up one day and experience painful sensations during urination. Apparently, unprotected sex can transfer disease.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
You have always wanted to be a dancer even though your parents raised you in a town where dancing was declared illegal after the county sheriff’s daughter died in a car crash after a cutting a rug one night. This will not deter you however. You will pull yourself up by your dancing shoes and become the best unpaid street performer in the downtown area.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
We all know that the Russians are manipulating weather patterns in the atmosphere, causing global warming and terrible storms in the United States. Why don’t we just nuke those commie bastards once and for all? Are we really just going to sit back and let the Russians control world weather patterns that will eventually destroy America as we know it?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
The first time you were struck by lightning, you were sure it was a miracle from the heavens telling you to seize the day and live your life to the fullest. So you did. You held random babies on the street, mowed your elderly neighbors lawn and developed a crippling cocaine habit. After being struck by lightning the fifth time, you will stop wearing a lightning rod hat.