Aries (March 21- April 19):
A motorcycle injury will cause you to lose consciousness. You will fall into a deep coma and be forced to battle your personal demons as friends and family weep over your still body. It will be ten years before you wake up. Right as your parents decide to remove your feeding tube because you appear to be a useless vegetable.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Sometimes your roommate doesn’t understand your need to light incense at all times. The vibes in your room are all messed up and can usually be fixed by some sweet ass Nag Champa or something. Perhaps you should consider the overwhelming and vomit inducing aroma produced by the mixture of body odor and layers of incense smoke.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
When you love somebody, you set them free. If they come back to you it, then you know the love was meant to be. When I was a child, I once set our golden retriever Nellie free. She ran around the neighborhood and was eventually hit by a car and killed. I will never forget the lifeless look of her eyes as she lay in the road bleeding to death.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Your eating habits will soon require some changes after you have a heart attack. Your heart must be covered in huge globules of fat caused by your sickening obsession with soda and candy bars. It is not healthy to pour root beer on your cereal each morning and four to five candy bars each day will eventually put you six feet in the ground.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Everyone admires you for your imagination and great sense of humor. Like that one time you used a fart machine to prank all of those nuns on that Greyhound bus. Oh man, the look on those ladies faces as loud, wet farting noises came from speakers hidden in the carry-on bins. Those nuns sure gave you a severe beating afterwards though.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Remember that janitor you made out with in high school during second period? This particular janitor will soon be back in your life after getting a job at the university. Prepare for sensuous love sessions that last for hours in various cleaning supply closets throughout campus. You will both bond over your love of cheap, one ply toilet paper.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Sometimes I just wonder how you became so damn cool. You are always looking great and just exude confidence as you stroll around campus, catching the eye of attractive members of the opposite sex. Everyone is extremely jealous of your leather jacket and killer black boots. When you ride up to campus on your motorcycle, everyone just stares.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
The Boise State jazz band members will all begin to play Celine Dion songs during sporting events causing you and your friends to go into a crazed frenzy and begin tipping over vehicles and lighting trash cans on fire. Soon you will be placed under arrest and will scream, “My heart will go on” as the coppers drag you handcuffed into the back of a cruiser.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Congratulations on a new step in your illustrious life there Sagittarius! Becoming the owner of a goldfish requires you to exercise some responsibility now. The fish needs to be fed each day and cannot be taken out of it’s bowl to be stroked or fondled. You also cannot ask the aquatic creature to share in your love of vodka even though it looks like water.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Take the day off today. You are tired and need some rest after working so hard lately to ensure you keep up your 2.5 GPA. Head home and turn off all the lights and draw the shades. Climb into bed and begin counting sheep in your head. If you still can’t sleep, try reading some literature like the Old Testament. Those boring stories will put you out.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
April showers bring May flowers but April showers also make it really god damn hard to ride a bike to school. After five minutes, your ass is covered in mud and soaked creating the appearance that you simultaneously pissed and shit your pants. The only option is wearing a trash bag as some sort of hillbilly raincoat, so in Idaho you fit right in.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Finding the love of your life will soon force you to create multiple posts in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. In your confusion about how the sight works, you will be expecting to find love but only recieve pictures of the opposite sex’s genetalia. In your horror, you will forever forsake the interwebs and love altogether and go live in a cave.