Aries (March 21- April 19):
In an effort to go green and save the environment, you will begin riding your bike to work and school. Before long, everyone will begin to recognize your efforts. Attractive members of the opposite sex will wink at you as you ride by and eventually the president will give you a call just to say thanks. You will develop a huge ego and begin smoking crack.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
For too long has humankind looked up at the stars and wondered about the nature of our existence. Are we the only intelligent life forms in the universe? This couldn’t possibly be the case. I mean, do the math. There has to be some other distant planet where intelligent creatures walk around glued to their cell phones liking cat pictures on the internet.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
If you are reading this now, YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD. Not so you say? You mean to tell me you are actually alive and well? Bullshit. I don’t believe you for a second. Remember that movie with Bruce Willis and that creepy little kid who kept having visions of ghosts? Now take a step back and think. Not so confident about being alive now, are you?
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Your inability to understand the world around you has led you to believe that evolution is a hoax. Somehow, in a fit of complete and utter stupidity, you seem to have convinced yourself that you did not evolve from lower life forms like chimpanzees and gorillas. Try this: walk downtown on a Friday night and observe the drunk college kids. Check and mate.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Cheer up there Leo! Things aren’t so bad! Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. When I am feeling blue, I know I can always count on the voices in my head to set me straight and keep me smiling. I can trust the voices in my head and so should you! They are usually right about things. That one time they told me to make suits out of human skin…
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Oh la la! Look at you! We have a regular Einstein over here with all of the book learnings and college teachers. I bet you just think you are so cool because you can read and speak words. I bet you can even ride a bike and tie your shoes, can’t you? What a show off! My uncle got his GED a couple years back. Worst decision he ever made.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
I just want to take a moment and thank you for being a genuinely nice person Libra. Without a doubt, you are clearly the most physically attractive astrological sign. You can take that right to the bank, friend. Sometimes I pity these other suckers, I really do. They are slightly more intelligent than hamsters and smell like yogurt left in the sun for too long.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Your love of the outdoors will soon prompt you to undertake a glorious ocean fishing expedition. Things will seem ok at first but soon you will be swallowed into the belly of an extremely large fish. For days, you will be forced to roam around the aquatic dwellers guttyworks as you search in vain for the anus. Also, there will be no cell phone service down there.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Get outside and get your blood pumping. You don’t like sports huh? What are you, some kind of nerd who prefers artificial indoor light and a computer screen to the harsh, cancer causing rays of the sun? There are plenty of cool sports even nerds like you can enjoy. There’s badminton, running from bullies and good old fashioned roller blading.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Even though the military has repeatedly denied your requests to join a branch of their illustrious services, that doesn’t mean you may have severe mental disturbances including the inclination to want to kill. The way I see it, they should welcome you with open arms. I guess the “brain doctors” with their “book learnings” see things differently.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Night time is the only time to feed. People are usually walking alone on the Greenbelt, allowing you to swoop down and feast upon their blood in order to sustain your eternal life. But lately, things have not felt right. You are starting to become disillusioned with this whole Vampire business and are looking for more. Try creating a profile on Match.com.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You have lived in the state of Idaho all of your life and are sick and tired of the corruption in state government. That’s why you are going to head to the capitol and brazenly throw your hat into the ring for the governorship. I mean, you are blinded to the plight of common citizens and are willing to waste thousands in taxpayer dollars. You should fit right in!