Aries (March 21- April 19):
A passing comet will foretell the destruction of your kingdom. All will be destroyed by fire and the dead will walk the earth feasting upon the flesh of the living. The four horseman will ride, bringing death wherever their cursed hooves meet soil. All of your eggs will hard boil themselves in their carton and your septic system will overflow on your lawn.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Spring is here and camping fever has taken hold of your soul and you must make your way into the unforgiving wild. Since you have lots of homework and are stuck going to stupid classes most weekdays, try and build a simulated campside in your backyard, Remember to dig a large hole to crap in and set up plenty of bear traps.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your neighborhood will be thrown into chaos after a nuclear waste spill mutates a gang of feral cats, giving them intelligence at or near the level of humans. These cats will begin spray painting gang signs on garages and robbing local lemonade stands in daring daylight heists. Even the cat lady next door will begin toting a shotgun through the streets.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Soon enough, the Idaho Steelheads will win a giant victory against the greatest hockey teams in the land and the city will erupt in celebration. You will lead a mob of jubilant fans through downtown, destroying vehicles and shops in a crazed frenzy. Soon enough, the police will subdue you with rubber bullets and fire hoses.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
You are lonely and don’t know what to do. How about the fabulous internet and all it has to offer? Create your own dating profile and video. Make sure to be yourself in the video and cry often. That way potential mates will see how in touch with your emotions you are. Be sure to wear your favorite halloween costume when taking profile photos.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
After paying for a cable subscription you will wait for ages for the installer to show up at your house. This will take weeks since the cable companies have not yet discovered the craft of the written word and rely solely on the memory of their service personnel who regularly abuse drugs. Perhaps you should try stealing cable from your neighbor.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
You are going to become extremely ill after volunteering at the local old folks home. These blues and grays carry all manner of diseases that are known to wreak havoc on younger immune systems that are not used to WWII era viruses and bacteria. Next time your report for your volunteer shift, douse every old person in bleach first.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You didn’t come from this planet. In fact, you are not even from this galaxy! You are from a distant planet whose star was close to exploding, so your parents loaded you onto an interstellar rocket and pointed you toward Earth where you were found by a family of chimpanzees. That’s why you climb trees and like to fling your poo at people.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
With great power comes great responsibility. Your power over the local hobo factions will allow you to take over city hall and take control of the Iron Throne. All of the neighboring hobo kingdoms will vie for power but only you have what it takes to rule as king/queen of the greater Treasure Valley. Remember to gain control over the only remaining dragons.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
For eons, mankind has wondered where it came from. Where we put here by a benevolent God? Did we evolve from lower life forms, shaped through millions of years of natural selection and genetic mutation? What donuts are the best donuts? Chocolate? Powdered? The cream filled variety. These questions are the ones keeping you up at night.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
After falling through a large sink hole, you will be transported back in time to when dinosaurs roamed the earth and cavemen and women tried to eat their delicious flesh. It’s true! Dinosaurs and humans lived together, much like the popular childrens cartoon The Flinstones. Excepts in the past, most of the dinosaurs wanted to eat our flesh too.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You are almost finished with the semester! Keep at it friend! You are the best around and no-ones gonna keep you down! Keep drinking all of those energy drinks and double down on the amphetamine pills so you can stay up day and night completing term papers and trying to pick the bugs out of your skin because they are everywhere!