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Horoscopes 4/3/14

Aries (March 21- April 19):

While you are sitting there wasting time, there is money to be made out there! Get up and get yourself together! If you’re poor, it’s because you aren’t trying hard enough to earn the almighty dollar. The greatest people in American history pulled themselves up by their bootstraps you damn louse! Oh wait, most of their parents were already rich.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Your favorite pair of sunglasses will be stolen prompting you to follow the perpetrator across the country, experiencing strange and wonderful adventures along the way. Though you won’t catch the thief, you will join a desert cult in Arizona and eventually settle down to a routine of hanging out at the local airport waving signs about the impending apocalypse.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

During these trying economic times, you will find out just how resourceful you really are. Much to the chagrin of Boise citizens and local law enforcement, you will begin bathing nude in the Boise River near campus. Also, your soap will be homemade from the human fat you will steal from liposuction clinics across the Treasure Valley in daring midnight raids.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

You couldn’t have asked for a better week for yourself Cancer. Things are really looking up. First off, your friends will throw you a surprise party for no apparent reason at all. Even your parents will be there! Then you will find $500 in the park that you will use to get full sleeve tribal tattoos and huge gauges in your ears. The hipsters will worship you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

How many God damn times do I have to tell you to stay away from negative energy crystals Leo? You know you can only draw power from expensive rubies and diamonds! I’m not advocating breaking the law or anything, but the only way you will be able to balance your chakra will be to rob a local jewelry store. Life can be challenging.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Those neighbor kids are walking on your lawn again and you have had just about enough of their cellular phones and rock and/or roll music. The only solution is to tear out all of your grass and install electrified metal flooring. That way the next time any of these damn kids try to take a shortcut through your lawn, they will be left squirming on the cold ground.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Your desire to express yourself will result in you buying a plastic recorder and joining in on local third grade music lessons. Your spirit will find peace through songs like “Hot Cross Buns” and “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. Your age and size will confuse and infuriate elementary music teachers who will likely report you to the Boise Police Department.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Start a garden this spring and begin a whole new phase of your life where your health comes first. Eat lean meats and plenty of vegetables and be sure to engage in regular exercise each day for at least 20 minutes. Stare at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are an awesome person. Also, make sure to drink your own urine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

This may sound a bit depressing, but it’s time to start planning the final journey. You know, death! Don’t be all macabre! Were all gonna take the big dirt nap so we might as well do it in style. Next time you have a free day, peruse the many headstone and coffin styles available. I already picked out my own Arnold Schwarzenegger themed funeral.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

You will be honored as a local hero this week when you summon superhuman strength and left a city bus off of an injured child. Crowds of people will cheer you on and you will be carried on their backs to city hall where Mayor Dave Bieter will pin a big shiny medal on your chest before the throngs of onlookers. Then you will be arrested for outstanding warrants.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

After starting a local fight club, you will realize how much money can be made through bloodsport. Ten bucks a head times 50 members each night means 50 sweet dollars in your pocket. Only after one of your members is accidentally murdered will you and the other members be forced to flee to south America to avoid prosecution.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

A camping trip early in the spring will leave you stranded and soaking wet in central Idaho’s wilderness areas. You will be forced to subsist on squirrel meat and tree bark. Soon enough you will feel at ease in the wild and run free, sporting animals skins to cover your genitals. The U.S. Forest Service will eventually hire you as a freelance ranger.