Aries (March 21- April 19):
This week will have you-wait! What’s that sticking out of your pocket there? You got some uppers? Downers? Loopers? Black Betties? Blue bombers? I bet you are getting all potted up on the weed aren’t you? You are probably so high on goofballs and grass you have no idea what’s going on right now. How ‘bout you throw some of them drugs my way?
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Spring has you all excited about mating and the outdoors. I mean, think about it. The birds are chirping and screwing each other left and right to ensure the propagation of their species. Why should you be any different? I am not saying you should just start humping everyone you see, but do you part to bolster the American population, or at least for tax breaks.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Remember that old urban legend where the guy suffocated himself by farting in his sleep while in a small, unventilated room? Well, that legend is actually true and I am here to tell you to watch your ass, literally. As your friends and family know, your farts are powerful and extremely pungent and if you aren’t careful, you may accidentally murder someone.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Does it have to rain EVERY GOD DAMN DAY? I mean, what in the hell is going on up there? Everyone knows rain is angel urine, so have they been binge drinking or something? I tried all of the rain dances I know in the hopes that I could reverse the steady flow of angel pee but have yet been unsuccessful. It’s all in God’s hands now. Hopefully he/she wears diapers.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Please stop treating your pets like people. You know what I am talking about Leo. I know how you like to dress your 12 or so cats in dresses and suits and try to recreate scenes from Downton Abbey, but you are just dragging yourself further into a pit of despair and hopelessness. Plus, those costumes are damn expensive.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Oh, what a world! What a world! What a cruel and unforgiving world! God must have turned his gaze from humanity millennia ago. Maybe he/she is like a kid with a magnifying glass terrorizing an unsuspecting ant hill. One things for sure, God certainly didn’t do us any favors when he/she decided it was cool to allow Miley Cyrus access to recording equipment.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
You are brave and valiant. Everyone likes you. You smell like coconuts and your hair never looks greasy or out of place, even after wearing a baseball cap for hours in the hot sun. Even your farts smell like roses. One thing you don’t have going for you; sometimes you pick your nose too deeply and end up damaging tissue on your frontal lobe.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Every time you walk into an area, a kick ass rock and roll song fills the air as you casually sling your leather jacket over your shoulder and slowly take off your mirrored sunglasses. Of course, everyone stares at you in disbelief as your presence shocks them out of their daily routine. It may also be the fact that you wear your underwear over your pants.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Why haven’t you joined the military yet? You need some structure in your life Sagittarius! Well, if you aren’t going to willingly sign up for the chance to be yelled at while experiencing sleep deprivation, I am going to have to handle this myself. DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY MAGGOT! DON’T YOU DARE LOOK ME IN THE EYES!
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
You are such a gentle soul and everyone admires you when they see you weeping in public over some painting or rose petal you found on the sidewalk. Nobody complains when you loudly bawl at the end of romantic comedies when the main characters end up together. However, your significant other does mind when you cry during sex.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
What am I a machine? Twice a week, I sit in my underground lair and try to think of stupid premonitions so you can have a bit of a laugh and enjoy your day. What do I get for all this hard work? Nothing. Zilch. Zero. My wife even left me and took our ten kids. How am I going to pay all of that child support on a meager Boise State student salary?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Oh, it’s you again Pisces… My least favorite of all the made up birth signs some of us take seriously for some reason. What do you want me to say? Oh, oh, I am having a vision! All of your bowel movements will be no wipers for the next month. Is that what you want to hear? I suppose you want good news, huh? Actually, everything looks good for you.