Aries (March 21- April 19):
Bad weather will somehow correspond with the volume of gas expelled out of your butt hole each morning. One fart means it’s going to be sunny and pleasant. Two farts means it will be slightly windy and overcast. Three farts means it will be stormy and rainy outside. Anything more than five farts means the apocalypse is surely at hand.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Eating garbage may not sound pleasant, but you need to consume as much as possible in order to build up antibodies in your immune system. Just think, while you are shoving banana peels and old moldy pizza crusts down your gullet, you are preparing for the next big virus that is sure to wipe out the entirety of humanity. Except for you of course, and hobos.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your medication will shortly run out, forcing you to make that frightening trip to the liquor store two blocks away. Remember, the people who live outside show their teeth when they are happy. There is no need to yell loudly at children either; they are fragile and should pose no actual physical threat to your body. Just get that liquor and head back to the cave.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
It’s hard to understand why things happen in life. The best that we can do to predict the future is by examining the lines on peoples ha nds and by looking at tarot cards. Some people use Ouija boards to talk to spirits. Like, one time my cousin used an Ouija board and he totally talked to a demon. His house is like, totally haunted and I hate staying there.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
You are soooo tense! Take a load off buddy! Put your feet up for Christ’s sake! Relax a bit! Have some trail mix or something! You need something to drink? We got all sorts of drinks: punch, apple juice, fermented horses urine or even filtered water! One glass of fermented horses urine? You got it pal! One cold glass of horse piss coming right up!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You like cats. I mean, you REALLY like cats. Not the way their fur feels, or the purring sounds they seem to make. You like the taste of cat flesh. Hey now! I don’t like the sound of that either, but it’s true! You may have fooled everyone who attended your barbecue last weekend but I’m not that stupid. I knew that “hamburger” tasted funny…
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Life is like a wave. A killer wave that sweeps you up and you are able to ride and do sweet tricks on. Sometimes there are jellyfish in the water though and you get stung and have to ask a friend to pee on you. Sometimes there are sharks in the water and you accidentally cut your foot on some coral causing the hammerheads to consume both of your legs.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Oh, I see Scorpio! You think you are a big shot now, eh? You think you are too good for the horoscopes now with your daily showers and regular access to a toilet? I remember when you rarely showered and used the great outdoors as your toilet bowl. Now look at you, brushing your teeth and wearing clothing to try to impress other members of society.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Cell phones give you tumors and lead paint it toxic? Next thing you know, they are going to try and tell us cigarettes aren’t good for you either! I say hogwash! Doctors only go to school for nearly a decade. All they try to do is prescribe you expensive pills that only make you more sick. That’s why I performed my own hernia surgery.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Try being kinder to people you know and associate with at school and work. Who knows when one of these people are going to snap and decide to plow through a group of pedestrians downtown, all hopped up on goofballs and grass? Treat everyone like a potential mass murderer and do your part. What if everyone had been nice to Hitler?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Now that you have saved up enough money, you plan to buy a talking car that will also be your best friend in all your adventures. This will all seem well and good until your car starts interrupting your make out sessions with significant others. It will be most off putting to have a computer say things like, “That’s some hot action right there.”
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You will receive a lucrative promotion at your Folgers job after you suggest that more cigarette ash and bat guano be added to the coffee mix, giving it an even shittier and bitter overall taste. The top executives will applaud you for saving them money that otherwise would have been spent on trying to produce somewhat ingestible coffee.