Aries (March 21- April 19):
You are a very sensual person and find it easy to seduce attractive members of the opposite sex with your oil massages and prescription drugs. You need to be careful though, these drugs are not meant to be shared with anyone else and if the Feds find out, they will kick down your door and send you to the big house.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A string of new health fads will have you trying everything to lose a couple pounds for the upcoming swimsuit season. You will become frustrated when you don’t lose any weight and will eventually buy some non-FDA approved, homemade diet pills from a sketchy gentleman who lives in a van down by the river. It’s probably meth.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
After accidentally burying your dead child in sacred Native American burial grounds, you will discover your deceased offspring has come back to life and is really interested in murdering the rest of your family. Take some time and sit down with your reanimated demon possessed child and explain that murder isn’t acceptable.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
A string of bad luck will leave you down and out after you walk under multiple ladders, break some mirrors and spill salt all over your kitchen counter. Remember that these tragic times can be averted if you urinate into empty glass containers and leave them on the windowsill for hobos to bless with their magical incantations.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Sometimes late at night you are awoken by a strange dream where you can sense somewhere, somehow, somebody is throwing away a delicious sandwich. This will cause you to spring out of bed, don your superhero costume and roam the night fighting crime and ensuring all of the sandwiches in the city are eaten.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You will decide to throw a party soon but will be worried about your ability to make it really special for all of your guests. After searching the internet, you will decide to rent some zoo animals to liven up the festivities. Things will go fine at first and your guests will applaud you until the gorilla tears of someone’s arms and drinks the punch.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Good heavens! Things are not looking good for you libra! This week will be fraught with peril and you will be forced to do hand to hand combat with local gang members after starting a war over the local drug trade. After things get completely out of hand, you will be forced to flee to Mexico and become a Catholic priest/nun.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Whenever you hear the a songbird in the treetops, you begin to smile and whistle along. Eventually, you will become part of bird society and quickly rise to the highest ranks of the bird military. When the hawk and falcon alliance break the treaty with songbirds, you will lead the musical fowl to their greatest victory yet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Your love of climbing things and total lack of reasonable fear will provoke you to start climbing many of the buildings on campus, doing sweet flips and special moves as you move about the urban setting. Somehow while this is all happening, dubstep music will fill the air and stop only after you do one last killer backflip off of a wall.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
You’re a true patriot and you want everyone to know it. You will contact your grandmother and have her sew you an elaborate Uncle Sam costume that you will wear to school and work every day. While people will appreciate your red blooded patriotism, your stilts will prove practically impossible to study and work on.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
After one of the Boise State physics professors writes an impossible equation on a hallway whiteboard, you will solve it quickly while mopping the floor. Soon enough everyone will want to know who the genius is and eventually Robin Williams will discover it is you and become your father figure. Then Ben Affleck will drinks some beers and swear.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Everything happens for a reason, but for what reason? I don’t know Pisces, it just seems like the world has gone crazy sometimes. I mean, just the other day I’m walking down the street and some drunk guy bumps into me and doesn’t even apologize. What’s with people nowadays? I mean, c’mon everybody! Am I right?