The Expendables 2:
This is truly one shitty movie. From the opening scenes in which former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is rescued by his fellow aging action stars only to immediately blurt out terrible one-liners, to the final overblown explosions, this movie is hard to take seriously. Sylvester Stallone’s black eyeliner makes him look like an angry teenager who frequently listens to emo and punches his pillow and no one can decipher the strange grunts of Dolph Lundgren as he crushes armies of random dudes with his bare hands. Explosions, senseless killing and steroids are the driving forces behind this crime against god and the human race.
VeggieTales: Where’s God When I’m Scared?:
After seeing the VeggieTales series one night, my head nearly exploded. These Christian vegetables are meant to explain to children how God works. In this particular episode, Junior Asparagus learns that if you believe in God and pray regularly, a monster won’t attack you. Apparently, God isn’t a big fan of made up creatures and will smite them most mightily should they try and harm his chlorophyll-based followers. The pious vegetables frequently break out into song, making viewers feel the need to claw out their own eyes. Finally, the veggies tell the tale of Daniel and the Lion’s Den to illustrate how God won’t let anything happen to you if you pray (tell that to the Donner Party).
Can you imagine the pitch to make this movie? I bet it went something like this:
Movie executive: “Hey Wayans brothers, I have this crazy movie idea where you dress like two white chicks, makeup, skirts and all.”
Wayans brothers: “Hmmm. That sounds absolutely awful. Why would any anyone with self-respect want to see something so completely stupid and offensive? You sir, are an idiot.”
Movie executive: “We will pay you lots of money!”
Wayans brothers: “Deal! Plus, if the movie completely bombs, which it will, we can always sell it to the government for use as a torturing device at the Guantanamo Detention Center.”
First of all, none of those men should have proposed to Julia Roberts after finding out she ditched earlier suitors. How much money was spent on all of those damn weddings? Why is it endearing that a slightly attractive woman with a severe personality disorder and intimacy issues is trying to get life figured out? The entire movie I was yelling at my television, “Push her into the nearest river and hope she is taken out to sea with all of the other industrial waste and human excrement!” So Julia Roberts and Richard Gere finally get married. He breaks the spell with his salt and pepper hair though he completely disregards her deeply seated emotional issues.
Casa de mi Padre:
Will Ferrell stars in this tale of murder, seduction and terrible Spanish speaking. This movie was made to suck and it does on every level. Yet it provides a great background noise for doing dishes or finishing up some homework. I like this movie because I like Will Ferrell, but it stinks. The backgrounds and fake horses are funny, the jokes are crude and out of control, but even they are not enough to place the film within the ranks of films like “Step Brothers” or “Talladega Nights,” clearly timeless classics. This movie is good to put on if you are trying to fall asleep or if you want to get a particulary annoying date to leave and you don’t want to have to tell him/her outright.