News Ticker

Horoscopes 2/18/14

Aries (March 21- April 19):

After discovering instructional videos on the internet, you will decide to start making your own alcohol with some of the horse urine you have saving in jars. Dig them out of the root cellar and combine them with yeast to create a special brew that is certain to charm your in-laws and neighbors. Be warned, this horse wine is delicious.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Sometimes you look up at the stars late at night and think, “Wow, there sure are lots of stars up there! I wonder if there are any aliens floating around…” Of course there are aliens floating around up there. You think humans built the pyramids and designed the portable toilet? Think again friend, think again.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

With the passing of a loved one, you will be afforded the opportunity to examine your own life and fix broken relationships and heal old wounds. Sometimes we need to have something taken away before we understand what it means to us. Here is a nice little line I wrote, “You don’t know what you got, till it’s gone.”

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Strange smells are sure to waft from your hairy upper lip creating a potential safety hazard for yourself and others. Who knows? Your cab driver could be overcome by nausea and suddenly have to vomit out of the window, causing the cab to swerve wildly in the road. Then he will have to wash all the vomit off of his cab.

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

The Food and Drug Administration won’t approve your homemade cure for the common cold, so you decide to take on the ENTIRE pharmaceutical machine. You hire a high profile lawyer and have heated arguments over glasses of scotch in deposition hearings eventually losing every case and millions of dollars.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

High amounts of negative vibes will force you underground for at least two weeks. Find a cave or begin digging a large hole in your backyard to cower in until the vibestorm passes  through. Obtain nutrients from bat guano (poop) and earthworms. Save rain water in a plastic bottle and use charcoal to make crude art.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Every once in a while, you get the ol’ itch to get closer to Mother Nature. Sometimes Mother Nature is the only lady that can take care of you when you are feeling down and lonesome. Sometimes you just need to pay her a visit. Mother Nature isn’t cheap and demands you pay her cash up front, after all she is a working girl.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Cross your fingers and don’t break any mirrors, you are on a roll! Your luck is at an all time high and it’s time to test it. Run up and tickle some policemen or pretend to peddle baking soda in plastic bags on the street corner. If the cops just shrug and chuckle heartily at these antics, you know your luck is at an all time high.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

A visit from the ghost of John F. Kennedy will leave you awe inspired and a little freaked out. First off, Kennedy will just hang out in a chair next to your bed after issuing his chilling, ghostly proclamation. I mean, who does that? If you have no further business, ge a move on. Some spectres just don’t have any manners.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

Your rise to local hero and back down to hated criminal will be a quick one. After securing the town’s supply of beer, you will drink too much and become overly intoxicated. In your drunken stupor, you will decide to set fire to the aspirin factory, causing a shortage and mild to extreme discomfort for your hung over peers.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Without taking that first step, you never know how far you can go. Of course, going far depends on the type of shoes you are wearing as well. If they are dress shoes, you are more likely to get blisters. If they are athletic, you may go far in comfort. Make sure you have adequate ankle support to prevent sprains.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

A series of lightning storms will cause you to see great visions of extraterrestrial beings hell bent on exposing us to their 24 hour news cycles and god awful television programming. As if it weren’t enough to have to sit through our own commercials, these alien visions have the power of touch and smell. You will hate toilet paper commercials.