Aries (March 21- April 19):
In the middle of the night, you will be awoken by a mystical vision of a giant hot dog. The hot dog will tell you about the plight of it’s race of fellow hot dogs and their fight for survival against the evil sauerkraut armies in a distant galaxy. The hot dog will plead for help from humanity. After the vision, you will get up and cook yourself a hot dog with extra sauerkraut.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
You are probably fed up with local law enforcement officials who demand you follow “Idaho state law” or whatever they are calling it now. Who should be the judges and juries in society? Should you have to listen to the orders of some old person with a fancy dress on or some person with a gun and badge? Should you just do what the man says? Probably.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
After watching several nature survival shows on television, you decide you are ready to crash your parents car deep in the woods. After you roll your mothers sedan, you will climb from the wreckage and start building a basic shelter. Soon you will be forced to eat squirrel and drink your own urine. You will soon discover you are no more than a mile from town.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Congratulations on your recent pregnancy/fatherhood! I am sure you will become the best parent in your freshman class! Make sure to use this wonderful news to get out of classes, work appointments and talks with your annoying roommates. Just clutch your belly and claim your water broke or if you’re the father, say you can sense trouble with the baby.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
After hanging around local coffee shops, you realize you are compelled to start an underground newspaper railing against the man. The man has clearly been keeping you down and you are going to get revolutionary. Make sure to list your grievances about the governments lack of efforts to control the hobo population.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your aunt will leave you a large fortune after her parachute fails to open in a jump over the Great Barrier Reef. After being contacted by the family lawyer, you will receive your aunt’s large collection of dinosaur bones and Cuban cigars. Also you will be given your aunts large collection of cigar smoking dinosaur paintings.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Each year you and your family head to some stupid theme park where everything is overpriced and the lines are too long. Try something new this year and begin to dig a huge hole in your backyard. As this hole gets deeper and deeper, you will eventually come out the other end of the world in China. Enjoy the free vacation!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE END IS NIGH! If you are reading this, it is already too late. All of the doomsday scenarios are about to take place, zombies, earthquakes, viruses and the popularity of dubstep will threaten you and your families lives. Head for the hills and make sure to guard your cat food cache and tank top collection.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
It’s time for you to get regular. I’m talking about your job, your love life and your relationship with your mother. Aren’t you tired of being an odd person? Aren’t you tired of all of the jokes made about your nerdy tendencies? Aren’t you tired of bowel movements that are all over the place? Why don’t you eat some fiber ya big dummy?
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
The president will call you personally this week in a misdial that will provide you with great opportunity. First off, he will ask you to join the White House amateur basketball league. Soon you will be throwing up alley oops to Joe Biden and talking trash to John Boehner every time you splash a three right in his face.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your love of small rodents will motivate you to build a series of connected tubes throughout your neighborhood. These tubes will be like Rat subways connecting Rat families together and providing a cheap means of transportation unlike the city of Boise that still runs a small fleet of rickshaws only capable of holding two at a time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
I’VE HAD A MYSTIC VISION! I saw you there! We were on a great ship bound for riches and great adventure! This guy Columbus was there too! After a while, we got fed up with this Columbus character and threw him overboard and headed south to some kick ass uninhabited tropical islands filled with delicious wine and cheeses.