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Aries (March 21­-April 19): For too long, you have dreamed about being on the silver screen, wowing audiences with your amazing acting skills and god given talent. Go ahead and quit your job, you don’t need any of those dollars because soon you will be rolling in all of that movie star money. I heard being in the movies is easy. Taurus (April 20­-May 20): Avoid saunas! These steamy dungeons of hellfire are where countless inappropriate acts and disgusting talk take place with strangers. Why, just the other day, I was sitting in the sauna and somebody walked in with ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Pack up your camping gear and get ready to head for the outdoors. Being cooped up all winter has caused you to lose your tan and has put you in a dark and dreary mood. Stop by your favorite clothing boutique and pick out some new summer wear. Don’t listen to your friends and family who say you should wear anything more than a black thong. Taurus (April 20-May 20): After hoarding your money underneath your mattress and various spots on your property, you will suddenly decide to dig up all of your buried jars ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Who knows how long it will be until you achieve the superstar status you have always craved. Sure it may take you years to become a household name, but after all of the hard work, it will be worth it. Just remember your values. If your publicist thinks its a good idea to wear an American flag full body jumpsuit, then do it. It worked for Neil Diamond. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Look at you Taurus! You are filthy! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! Refusing to take baths is not cool. Just think about all ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): A motorcycle injury will cause you to lose consciousness. You will fall into a deep coma and be forced to battle your personal demons as friends and family weep over your still body. It will be ten years before you wake up. Right as your parents decide to remove your feeding tube because you appear to be a useless vegetable. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sometimes your roommate doesn’t understand your need to light incense at all times. The vibes in your room are all messed up and can usually be fixed by some sweet ass ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): In an effort to go green and save the environment, you will begin riding your bike to work and school. Before long, everyone will begin to recognize your efforts. Attractive members of the opposite sex will wink at you as you ride by and eventually the president will give you a call just to say thanks. You will develop a huge ego and begin smoking crack.   Taurus (April 20-May 20): For too long has humankind looked up at the stars and wondered about the nature of our existence. Are we the only intelligent life ...

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  Aries (March 21- April 19): A passing comet will foretell the destruction of your kingdom. All will be destroyed by fire and the dead will walk the earth feasting upon the flesh of the living. The four horseman will ride, bringing death wherever their cursed hooves meet soil. All of your eggs will hard boil themselves in their carton and your septic system will overflow on your lawn.   Taurus (April 20-May 20): Spring is here and camping fever has taken hold of your soul and you must make your way into the unforgiving wild. Since you have lots ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Time to lose some of that winter fat and start shopping for speedos and bikinis. First off, you need to flush all of the toxins out of your system by subsisting solely on cayenne pepper lemon water. After you have cleared out your colon and are bedridden, drink only coconut milk and eat the bark off of trees with your front teeth like a beaver. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Get some sleep. Taking adderall is cool and all, but you are really starting to lose it! Everytime I see you, you are scratching yourself and ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): While you are sitting there wasting time, there is money to be made out there! Get up and get yourself together! If you’re poor, it’s because you aren’t trying hard enough to earn the almighty dollar. The greatest people in American history pulled themselves up by their bootstraps you damn louse! Oh wait, most of their parents were already rich. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your favorite pair of sunglasses will be stolen prompting you to follow the perpetrator across the country, experiencing strange and wonderful adventures along the way. Though you won’t catch the thief, ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): This week will have you-wait! What’s that sticking out of your pocket there? You got some uppers? Downers? Loopers? Black Betties? Blue bombers? I bet you are getting all potted up on the weed aren’t you? You are probably so high on goofballs and grass you have no idea what’s going on right now. How ‘bout you throw some of them drugs my way? Taurus (April 20-May 20): Spring has you all excited about mating and the outdoors. I mean, think about it. The birds are chirping and screwing each other left and right to ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Bad weather will somehow correspond with the volume of gas expelled out of your butt hole each morning. One fart means it’s going to be sunny and pleasant. Two farts means it will be slightly windy and overcast. Three farts means it will be stormy and rainy outside. Anything more than five farts means the apocalypse is surely at hand. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Eating garbage may not sound pleasant, but you need to consume as much as possible in order to build up antibodies in your immune system. Just think, while you are shoving ...

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Mallory Barker Ryan Thorne Gov. Butch Otter recently signed Senate Bill 1254 into law, allowing Idaho citizens with concealed weapons permits to carry concealed firearms on Idaho college campuses. The bill drew flocks of critics and demonstrators to the capitol building as well as universal scorn from Boise Police chief Mike Masterson and Idaho’s university presidents. This isn’t the first time law enforcement and legislators have clashed over guns laws in Idaho. Back in 1990 when concealed gun laws were drastically rewritten, Idaho sheriffs universally opposed legislation that took away their right to subjectively hand out concealed permits. “I am ...

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By: Tashina Fleming The focus of my blog is “Healthy mind, body and spirit.” As a college freshman, I really struggled with finding the tips and tricks to college. The next few years posed to be an even bigger challenge when I coupled poor time management skills with an unhealthy diet. Needless to say the “freshmen 15” was the least of my worries. I was worn thin and knew I needed to make a change. For the past year, I have let go of my bad habits and instead have cultivated a healthy lifestyle. Now in my senior year of ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): After discovering instructional videos on the internet, you will decide to start making your own alcohol with some of the horse urine you have saving in jars. Dig them out of the root cellar and combine them with yeast to create a special brew that is certain to charm your in-laws and neighbors. Be warned, this horse wine is delicious. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sometimes you look up at the stars late at night and think, “Wow, there sure are lots of stars up there! I wonder if there are any aliens floating around…” Of ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Getting up early isn’t really your thing, so you will come up with a brilliant plan to shock you out of bed in the morning. Capture a bobcat with some friends and keep it in your closet with a timed lock on the door. Set the door to open each morning when you are supposed to wake up. You will be out of bed quickly to avoid injury and rabies. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Sometimes you just want to look pretty. I mean, to hell with everyone else! You just want to get all dressed ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): In the middle of the night, you will be awoken by a mystical vision of a giant hot dog. The hot dog will tell you about the plight of it’s race of fellow hot dogs and their fight for survival against the evil sauerkraut armies in a distant galaxy. The hot dog will plead for help from humanity. After the vision, you will get up and cook yourself a hot dog with extra sauerkraut. Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are probably fed up with local law enforcement officials who demand you follow “Idaho state law” ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): A serious virus will infect you soon, causing you to fall into a deep coma. During this coma, the entirety of the human race will fall after the virus mutates and turns people into zombies. You will wake up in a hospital bed alone only to find yourself free to loot and raid any store you want! Free liquor and video games for the living! Taurus (April 20-May 20): You have your sights set on the most important public office in the nation, perhaps the world. With straight A’s and multiple internships, you are well ...

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By: Tabitha Bower and Mallory Barker    Bryan Vlok was emotional when he first heard the news that Ryan Gregg resigned as student body president. “Ryan is one of my really great friends. I’m sad to see him go but he is making choices for himself so he can graduate on time. It is hard on me, but he has prepared me well to take over this position,” Vlok said. “As he was cleaning out his office, I said, ‘I feel like you’re dying tomorrow and I have to say my goodbyes now.’”  Gregg announced his resignation via email sent ...

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Add the Words demonstrators block Idaho Senate chamber

Ryan Thorne, Nate Lowery Staff Writers Add the Words demonstrators stood with hands over mouths blockading the Idaho Senate chamber door Monday morning in preparation for the day’s legislative session to begin at 11 a.m. Protestors wore black t-shirts with “Add the 4 words Idaho” emblazoned across the front. After a senate member tried to enter the main entrance and was blocked by demonstrators, police soon arrived, asking once again for members to vacate the door area then informed participants they would be charged with trespassing and removed from the Capitol Building by 10:30 a.m. Shortly before officers began to ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Thanks to double jeopardy laws in the United States, you can’t be retried for murdering your invisible friend. Since you have already been tried by an invisible court for invisible murder, you are safe my friend. You may want to check in with your therapist and explain that you are still murdering imaginary people and get on some medication. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Frightening dreams will plague your sleepless nights this week. You will dream you are eating a bag of cheeseburgers only to find that the cheeseburgers aren’t made of meat. They are made ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Lets face it. You are disgusted by sex. It repulses you. I mean, the very thought of two bodies joined together for the process of creating intimate love is not the kind of thing you gravitate toward. You like sewing and badminton. You like the way burnt hair smells in the early morning. But sex? Ewwww gross… Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will fall into a deep coma this week after ingesting massive amounts of energy drinks and bad pizza. In your mind, you will be in a magical forest whose inhabitants drink from lakes ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): The Dark Lord is preparing his armies just over the nearest mountain range. He grows stronger each day as his fires churn in preparation. It is up to you and a band of your friends to journey to the Great Lord’s fiery mountain and destroy the last of the great crystal meth shards before the Dark Lord rules us all. Taurus (April 20-May 20): If you are reading this, it is too late. You have just evacuated your bladder, bowels, nose, ears and the contents of your stomach all over yourself. Sorry. I don’t really ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Now that classes are back in session, you are excited to get back to your busy school schedule. Your classes this term will be blessed by the holiest of holy wise men and women. Make sure to wear your eagle claw amulet and light all of your elaborate bathroom candles each morning before leaving the house.   Taurus (April 20-May 20): Are you alone? Seriously though, look around you for eavesdroppers. Nobody there? OK. Here’s the thing. I have been checking you out for a couple weeks now and I like what I see. There ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Keep a pistol at your side at all times. This time of year, everyone is looking for that great deal on a Christmas gift and are roaming the streets in gangs armed with firearms and baseball bats. If they see you walking down the boulevard with a wrapped gift, they are likely to beat you mercilessly and rob you.   Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are nervous about spending time with family members this year, especially your aunt Stacey who always wants you to sit on her lap. There are ways to avoid these awkward, ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): Santa’s elves are hard at work this year, getting all of your stupid Iphones and leather boots ready so that you can own a bunch of stuff you don’t need. These elves don’t even have proper health insurance and are not given access to proper bathrooms. Also, they are all malnourished because they only eat cookies and candy canes.    Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are always extremely sensitive about the feelings of your friends and family. Sometimes you just break into tears when you think about all of the pain in the world caused ...

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Aries (March 21- April 19): As you get closer to Christmas, you realize you have not gotten any shopping done. In a stroke of brilliance, you will decide to knit sweaters for all of your friends using excess cat hair from your 20 or so cats in your studio apartment. The sweaters will actually turn out quite nice and your friends will end up wearing them for years.    Taurus (April 20-May 20): Burn all of your personal correspondence and do not drink milk this week. You are all full of toxins and need to sweat them out. Construct a ...

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