Aries:

Today you have the ability to see the ghosts of great past rappers, Aries. Try not to get bogged down by the Biggie vs. 2Pac debate, which may leave you feeling confused and needing some California love. Infuse your supernatural experience with a carefully tailored Spotify playlist and reach deep into the ether.

 

Taurus:

Your day has been a long one. End it with rest and relaxation by brewing a cup of warm tea. Mix your tea with vodka and watch the sunset while seated on the bronze eagle that tops the Idaho State Capitol.

 

Gemini:
Today you are a talk show host. You must yell at everyone you see, especially those people that are engaged in conversation, talking on their phones or listening to music. Make sure that your words are unintelligible, derogatory and that all statements are at least partially false.

 

Cancer:

The universe has noticed your disrespect for nature. Reconnect with your animal roots by urinating on each lamppost on university property. Remember to carefully sniff your targets before marking them and show your teeth if anyone questions your activities.

Pisces:

 

Today, as you stand on the edge of tomorrow, you will be thrown into a time loop, forced to relive your day over and over again until you successfully achieve your ultimate, world changing goal, snagging that hard to get parking spot on a university side street.
Leo:

 

Liberate your inner “gangsta”. End every sentence today with izzle, wear pants that are at least three sizes to large and wrap your teeth in tin foil, the latter of which will also help keep the government out your head, with its many plots of international terrorism.

Virgo:

Your day will bomb harder than Lone Ranger on opening weekend. To heal your damaged karma, you must go on a vision quest with a native spiritual leader. Travel into the land of Alabama until you find the wolf spirit, local moonshiners and racists, not necessarily in that order.

 

Libra:

 

You just aren’t very good looking. The universe is troubled by your existence. Dark days are ahead. Prepare as follows: dig a nine foot hole into the ground, buy whole, canned chickens in bulk and begin to wear crocs regularly. This will solve everything.

 

Scorpio:

 

If you do not do as listed, all your dark and twisted fantasies will come true at your next family gathering. To prevent this you must strip naked and lie on the banks of the Boise River as a sign of your honesty and purity. You must also cover your body in bread crumbs.

 

Sagittarius:

Your experiences with money will be extremely negative today. Avoid all fast food restaurants and grocery stores as a sign of good faith to the stars. When hunger strikes, contemplate running out to the foothills and eating wild berries.

 

Capricorn:

Your alcoholism is rapidly spiraling out of control. As in Archer, the cure may simply be one or many more drinks. Make yourself a gallon of bloody mary mix and sit down to a Top Gun marathon.

 

Aquarius

 

If you do not do as listed, all your dark and twisted fantasies will come true at your next family gathering. To prevent this you must strip naked and lie on the banks of the Boise River as a sign of your honesty and purity. You must also cover your body in bread crumbs.

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