Aries (March 21- April 19):
Who knows how long it will be until you achieve the superstar status you have always craved. Sure it may take you years to become a household name, but after all of the hard work, it will be worth it. Just remember your values. If your publicist thinks its a good idea to wear an American flag full body jumpsuit, then do it. It worked for Neil Diamond.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Look at you Taurus! You are filthy! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! Refusing to take baths is not cool. Just think about all of the opportunities you have had to make sex on all of the attractive members of the opposite sex, to no avail. This might have something to do with the fact that you are a disgusting hobo who needs hot water and soap.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You may be feeling a sense of peace coming over you lately as your life starts to wind down at the end of the semester. DO NOT FEEL YOU ARE SAFE! Obama and his minions will surely kick down your door and arrest you for owning a gun or promoting Laissez Faire economics. Watch your step there friend. The government is watching everything.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
In your quest to find peace with yourself and your surroundings, you will take up playing the guitar and singing. I bet you are thinking, “Hey, I am going to be the next Bob Dylan or Bon Iver.” Listen here nutjob, you have plenty of work to do before you are as popular as the greats. If you want to express yourself, just learn to cry in public.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Pay attention to your mystical dreams and visions this week as you wake up every night screaming in terror. What do all of these dreams mean? I have no idea. Who the hell do you think I am? Some kind of god damn mystic? I stick what I know pal and that’s horoscopes. If you are having bad dreams, you’re probably pretty screwed up.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
High up on Mount Olympus, the gods are all sitting around drinking wine and once in a while meddling in the affairs of the puny humans like you and me down below. If you aren’t careful, you may invoke their wrath and suffer plagues of insects and tidal waves. Appease the gods by sacrificing goats and make sure to urinate into jars.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
It’s time to sit back and relax. Stressing over work and school is going to accelerate the aging process and cause you to develop cancer in your bones and reproductive organs. Have you given homeopathic medicine a try? My cousin went to a mystic healer because she was addicted to heroin. She’s still addicted, but said the experience was great.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You have the tendency to speak your mind. While you may find this endearing in cute, it’s really not. Who the hell wants to hang out with someone that speaks their mind about everything. Yes, yes, we all know you only eat organic vegetables and ride your bike everywhere. Instead of running your mouth, run to the grocery store for deodorant.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
In a bold financial move that will leave your friends and family members scratching their heads, you will start turning tricks on the corner of Broadway and University. Boise Vice will soon become wise to your illicit activities and send in an undercover officer to arrest you. They will be dismayed to learn you are only offering mouth kisses for $15 a pop.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Going to class each morning can be a real pain in the ass. That’s why you need to create your own robot replica that can go to class for you. This robot will be so successful that you will begin to send it to work in your place and will also have it make love and spend time with your significant other. The only thing the robot won’t do is learn to love.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Why are you reading this commie, leftist student newspaper when you could be printing and distributing one of your own out of your mother’s basement? It’s not that hard, especially when you are able to steal a printer, paper and ink from your work saving you thousands in overhead. You will fail miserably after printing every story in regional Italian.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Your obsession with stuffed pets and wildlife will start to freak out potential love interests. Lets face it, no one wants to come over to your house and be forced to make love to you in front of over 50 various domesticated and wild stuffed animals in assorted poses. It’s just weird. At least consider removing all of the stuffed golden retrievers and house cats.