Aries (March 21- April 19):

Time to lose some of that winter fat and start shopping for speedos and bikinis. First off, you need to flush all of the toxins out of your system by subsisting solely on cayenne pepper lemon water. After you have cleared out your colon and are bedridden, drink only coconut milk and eat the bark off of trees with your front teeth like a beaver.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Get some sleep. Taking adderall is cool and all, but you are really starting to lose it! Everytime I see you, you are scratching yourself and muttering to yourself as you search the ground for loose change. What started as a simple study tool has forced you to commit illicit sexual acts on strangers under the rainbow bridge so you can afford score.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

After reading about how Jesus went into the desert for forty days and nights, you will attempt to do the same in order to conduct some self-discovery and become more spiritual. I cannot stop you from doing this however, I can say that I think this is bad idea. I do not usually weigh in on the visions that come to me, but you’re not gonna make it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

A person can only take so much of this daily rat race before throwing in the towel. Let’s face it Cancer, you’re fed up aren’t you? Well take all that frustration and tell your boss and all of your professors to kick rocks. Screw ‘em. That’s what I always say. Become a roadie for a rock and roll band and occasionally make out with the drummer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

Take a hard look at yourself! You are not respecting the elderly enough. These old codgers have been around longer than you and know a thing or two, thank you very much! I mean, is it too much to ask for you kids to turn down your loud rap music when you are driving around? The older folks usually prefer Norwegian black metal to rap.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Every once in a while, an opportunity presents itself to us and we just have to grab on to the reigns and never let go until we have broken that wild mustang. We can’t just sit back and let life pass us by as our opportunities become fewer and fewer and our years shorter and shorter. That’s why you need to comb a hobo’s back hair before you die.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Sensible and fair, you are a beacon of justice and light to your friends and family. Every time people in the community experience disputes and have trouble resolving things, you are there to mediate for everyone’s benefit. That’s why when those two ladies were claiming to be mothers of that baby, you had it cut in half to satisfy both.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Perhaps a simple life is best for you. You do seem stressed lately with school and work, so maybe it’s time to take it down a notch. Without delay, destroy all of your electrical wiring and any modern device in your home using various instruments like baseball bats and hammers. You will have some peace but won’t get your deposit back.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

Each and every morning you get up and eat a bowl of cereal poured from a brown paper bag on top of your refrigerator. Each and every morning you notice that the cereal tastes strange, but you are too tired to do anything about it. Soon enough, your roommate will become very upset when she discovers all of her cat’s food is missing.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

I am no doctor, but you should take up smoking cigarettes. Whoa! Whoa! Take it easy now! I know cigarettes have had a bad rap for a while because they cause terminal illnesses and contribute to dozens of preventable diseases, but you look so damn cool when you smoke wearing sunglasses. It’s like you are a movie star.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Everyone has been harping on you to read lately. You’ve got news for them though; the only thing you are reading is the numbers on your bank statements, which are huge! You can pay people to read for you! Just imagine someone who hangs around to read the back of cereal boxes and road signs when you are driving. Wouldn’t that be cool?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

You and I both know it; you have a crush on your professor. Sometimes it is hard to resist their air of self importance and insistence that you refer to him/her as doctor even though they are in no way qualified to conduct medical evaluations and procedures. Sometimes you just need some old dried up body to hold late at night, despite conflict of interest.

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