Aries (March 21- April 19):

You will be stunned to learn your parents aren’t even related to you. They will explain they found you in a gutter somewhere and that you are likely the offspring of magical woodland elves. Unable to believe them, you will run crying into the local woods only to discover these so called “elves” are actually just local drug addicts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Life can be confusing. Some days you are getting plenty done and moving forward while other days you find yourself stuck in a rut. My best advice: while traveling, look for a path that has no ruts or ditches that can slow down your progress. You aren’t a pioneer traversing the continent, how about using the sidewalk.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

While exploring a local network of caves, you will discover a small population of leprechauns that have been living in seclusion since the potato famines in Ireland drove them to hide their pots o’ gold in the Treasure Valley. Greed overcoming your senses, you will ruthlessly torture each member till you get that gold.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Love is headed your way. Even when you think you are the last person on Earth still single and lonely, you will discover there are plenty of other desperate singles on the internetz with profiles that explain how they like cats and watching television. These profiles will shame you enough get a bunch of cats like a normal loser.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

Exercise is the name of the game for you Leo. Since you were just sentenced to a lengthy prison stay, courtesy of the state of Idaho, you can begin your workout regiment right away. First off, you will immediately gain muscle from physically resisting intercourse with other roommates in the showers. Also, you can do some pushups.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

All the hail the supreme ruler Obama! His dark armies grow more powerful each day as the health care website provides more and more Americans with viable insurance options they can afford. Soon enough though, Obama will use this list to kick down members doors, steal their guns, and force them to renounce their religion.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Getting high isn’t cool. Getting high on life is. Getting high on drugs is illegal. Getting high on life is perfectly legal. Unless the strain of marijuana you are smoking is called Life. In that case, your probation officer may be upset with you. The state of Idaho is only cool with people getting high on things like the Bible and waterskiing.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

After many years on the force, you will retire as a police officer with honor. Everyone will throw you a surprise party at your precinct but the celebration will be interrupted by the news that the mayor has been kidnapped by terrorists. You will be forced to come out of retirement and fight alongside a rookie cop to set things straight.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

Your local bank has a bunch of silly rules including not allowing members to make deposits while wearing black ski masks. It used to be in this country that you could wear a ski mask, walk right into a bank and nobody would hassle you for anything. Ever since 9/11, these banks are all worried about “violent robberies” and “customer safety”.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

After digging around in your backyard, you will discover a large oil deposit sitting directly under your property. Eureka! Black gold! You are rich and now you will only drive the finest european cars and have a personal masseuse on call in your gold filled mansion. Unfortunately, this black substance is actually runoff from your septic tank.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Just who the hell do you think you are pal? You think life is one big game and you can screw around the whole time? Well I am here to tell you buddy, life is serious. You need to buy a file cabinet and make sure you mow and trim your lawn every week. Also, your blood pressure is too low. Try stressing about material objects you can’t afford.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

In a huge clerical error, the federal government will ship a working fighter jet to your front door. After assembling the various parts of the military plane, you and select neighbors will reenact most scenes from the movie Top Gun. Your greatest feat will include recreating the sexual tension between Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise in the locker room.

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