Aries (March 21- April 19):

Talking about your problems helps sometimes, but it can’t be enough, That’s why you need to illustrate all of your life problems through the art of theatre. Set up a blanket on a string and act out your troubles for the student body to see in full. The drama club will get involved and soon enough you will be on Broadway under the flashing lights.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

After watching the neighbors dog chase cars all afternoon, you decide you will do the same. In fact, you will not just shoot for chasing a car, you will do your best to catch one. Day after day, you will run as fast as you can in an attempt to catch neighborhood cars only to eventually be arrested for harassment and what appears to be attempted carjacking.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Just stay in bed Gemini. Your luck has run out. Your line of credit has been reached. Your luck has taken out loans with some shady mafia people who demand payback or a severed index finger. In short, your luck has gone far enough and will only come back if you eat a gallon of ice cream in your underwear and eventually become disgusted with yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Without your magic glasses, you are unable to see through walls and selective attractive peoples clothing as they walk down the street. You should have paid more attention to where you put them last night because the local gang is counting on you to help rob a bank and they are certain to get shot right in the ass by an overzealous cop.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

Your dietary restrictions must become even more strict. I mean, think about all of the pain and suffering endured by vegetables and tofu who want nothing more than to live full respectable lives. The last thing some veggies and tofu want is to end up going through your guttyworks and coming out the other end as some stinky old poo.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

You will do some time in prison soon. Don’t fret though, you will have a good time of it and everyone will actually be really nice and helpful. Some of the inmates will actually bake you a cake on your birthday after you rouse their spirits by creating a prison barbershop quartet. Soon enough, you will rule over the cellblock with an iron fist.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

You have always been proud of your ability to get out of sticky situations. Those skills will pay off after you find yourself tied to a tree and covered in honey after the local gang of hoodlums tricks you into hugging a tree with your eyes closed. After you are doused in honey and a bear licks you clean, you will decide to live in the great outdoors until you die.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

You love ultimate frisbee and you don’t care who knows it. In fact, you will get multiple ultimate frisbee tattoos in honor of the greatest sport that mankind has ever had the pleasure of undertaking. The local ultimate frisbee team will eventually take it too far and begin body checking other players so hard that they bleed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

After failing miserably at dating those in your immediate age, you will soon resort to drastic measures and start dating residents of your local retirement home. You will grow tired of their wrinkly old genitals and the constant smell of insect repellent that old people seem to carry around with them at all times. At least they have money.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

A local internship will turn strange after you realize you are expected to help a local artist give tattoos out of the back of his old white van with no rear windows. The police will pull you over on multiple occasions and check the back seat for possible murder victims and abducted children. Maybe try an internship with the hobo union.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Life isn’t a god damn game Aquarius! You think you can just go through life smoking drugs and doing lots of alcohol? What do you think your parents are spending all of your college money on? A chance for you to get naked and run through the quad to the gymnasium while on who knows what kinds of exotic drugs and imported alcohols?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

No matter how hard you try and no matter how far you search, you will never find a piece of cake as delicious as one you had that fateful night back in 04’. John Kerry had just lost a presidential election to George W. Bush so the country was headed in the right directions. Oh, the taste of victory can be so sweet, then later give you terrible diarrhea.

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