Aries (March 21- April 19):
Instead of asking yourself how you can make
your life better, instead ask yourself what the
meaning of existence is. What is really going
on? What do my dreams mean? Is there a
god that loves me? What happens if I sneeze,
cough and fart at the same time? These are
questions you should be asking your clergy
and professors.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A friend of mine once suffered a nervous
breakdown after his wife left him, taking the
kids along as well. Some nights, we would sit
out on his porch, sipping ice-cold beer and
talking about things. We would start to talk
about personal stuff and my friend told me
the one huge regret he had was when his wife
and kids left.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your love of jazz is starting to get on everyone’s
nerves. Who is this Miles Davis character
and what is he doing with his horns? Why
are the kids smoking cigarettes and wearing
berets? It must have something to do with
drugs. When I was a kid, we certainly weren’t
thinking about being cool and trying to
be hip.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):
The bomb is going to drop. You know, the
atom bomb! The big one! The one that will
wipe us all out and send us to the stone age!
The Russians have em’ and the Chinese have
em’ too! Who knows when the bomb will be
dropped, forcing us to all live in caves and
eat cat food just to stay alive. Hopefully the
nice, wet cat food.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Your understanding of adversity will drive
you to be a candidate for mayor. You are willing
to make the hard decisions in your town.
Who will be the next pumpkin king? Who
will decide where all the town’s raw sewage
goes? Only you can decide the fate of your
town’s poo and children.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Sometimes late at night, you hear the call
of the wild and want to return to the pack
of dogs that raised you. I know crapping in
public and licking stranger’s faces has been
a key part of your life but you are different
now. It’s time to take life seriously and buy a
large, gas guzzling SUV and house you cannot
afford.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Sometimes you need to be alone and take
in the world. The Internet and television
programs have your head spinning. I mean,
who isn’t tired of all the drama and everything
on TV? It’s too much, really, all of the maniacs
singing and playing the guitar with their
genitals. It’s certainly not what the good Lord
intended.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You will wake up with a bloody nose soon. This
will mean your vibrations are totally off. Either
that or you may have a serious medical condition.
I am certainly not a doctor and I have no
idea how science works. I just figured out how
magnets work and they blew my mind. Get
your bloody nose checked out, or else.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Just when you feel your luck is about to
change, you will make an undercooked tuna
sandwich and become very ill. Then, with
the power of magic, snake oil and community
support, you will survive. After your life
changing experience, you will change your
ways and donate more money to inner city
kids.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Falling asleep has always been hard because
you can see the future. In your dreams, you
can see yourself and others eating cheeseburgers
and milkshakes. Now you must build
a time machine to ensure your milkshakes
haven’t been poisoned by rival gangs and those
who believe dairy consumption is a genuine
crime.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
You will meet an attractive person this week
and, for a while, you will feel butterflies in
your stomach. These butterflies will actually be
diarrhea making its way through your guttyworks
causing you to feel sick. Regardless of
the laws in your state, you will do your part to
fertilize the rose bushes on the Capitol lawn.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
A half-assed attempt to realign your cosmic
vibrations will have you squirming on the
floor. No one knows which way the wind
blows and doing the worm won’t change anything.
Break dancing is cool, but what does it
have to do with defending our human rights?
I like to party too, but doing the worm doesn’t
make us free.

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