Aries (March 21- April 19):

Getting up early isn’t really your thing, so you will come up with a brilliant plan to shock you out of bed in the morning. Capture a bobcat with some friends and keep it in your closet with a timed lock on the door. Set the door to open each morning when you are supposed to wake up. You will be out of bed quickly to avoid injury and rabies.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Sometimes you just want to look pretty. I mean, to hell with everyone else! You just want to get all dressed up to go out and shake what your mother (and father) gave you. Just be cautious when out late, carousing and drinking champagne, there are still those people out there who would love to turn your skin into a suit.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

Sometimes music is like chicken soup for the cold and lonely soul. Sometimes music is like a hearty beef stew for the human spirit. Sometimes, music is like a fine wine that is intoxicating and delicious. Sometimes music is like a shooting star that brightens and fades and sometimes music is like smelly dog shit on your shoes.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

Well look at you! Aren’t you looking nice! That is what I would say if this were actually true. You are looking a little rough around the edges. I am talking hobo status, hair all over the place, a dirty coat that smells like urine and the faintest whiff of malt liquor on your breath. Maybe it’s time to get a shower and starting drinking better liquor.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

Oh Leo. This week doesn’t look good. After collecting for years, you will finally fill all of your toenail clipping jars to the brim. After realizing you have accomplished an albeit strange lifetime achievement, your parasite infested house cat will eat the clipping only to puke them up all over your bedroom floor and house pillows.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Some people have a game plan when deciding to go to college. Though you have been studying engineering at the behest of your wealthy parents, you will decide you are going to study art instead. This decision will be made when you are in your senior year and is likely to upset your monocle wearing, champagne guzzling rich parents

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

Wow! Your love life is set to improve dramatically this week after a major sign from the heavens changes everything in an instant. A mystical comet will fall from the sky and strike your head causing you to have amazing super powers. You will be able to see through walls and will get a sweet gig with the Department of Homeland Security.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

Sometime soon you will have some luck with your household chores. Small elves will begin to visit your home, cleaning things as they creepily stalk about your dark home while you sleep. They will likely stick their tiny little fingers up your nose, feasting upon your precious nose gold. Elves love boogers, that’s science.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):

Hopeless despair will grab hold of you as you read this. You will dye all of your clothing black and then shave a pentagram into the back of your head. Soon enough, you will be making strange potions with rabbit hearts and the blood of a priest. The neighbors will get wise and come around with torches eventually.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):

A sudden and irresponsible sense of self-importance will overcome you and you will think yourself a king or queen, or whoever would be the most powerful in your region. After finding a local crown and making your own sceptre, you will demand friends and family members kiss your ring studded fingers and massage your feet.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Big ideas always start small. Shoot for the stars and don’t ever give up on your dreams. The only thing between you and achieving universal and eternal fame is the fact that you aren’t that smart or motivated. One thing you can do: Dress up as you would if employed in your dream profession. Start wearing a thong and learn to dance.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

When I was a child, I always wondered where the birds went when they flew south for the winter. I mean, where did the birds from my neighborhood go? Do they have a sweet condo down in Phoenix? Are they sitting on the beach in Florida, the blackbirds keeping a lookout for trigger happy neighborhood watch personnel?

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