Aries (March 21- April 19):
Take a short walk down a wooded path near your home this week. At the end of this path you will find a small bearded man urinating against the trunk of a magical tree. This man will scamper away and if you follow him, you will find all of the forest treasure and live happily ever after with your unicorn pets and pipe smoking caterpillars.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
In an effort to look nicer, you have decided to grow out your toenails and fingernails. In order to keep these beautiful nails from breaking, you must lie in bed all day, your friends and family waiting on you hand and foot. Inevitably, you will gain over 100 pounds and begin to grow multiple strains of fungi on your lower back.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Sometimes love can be nerve racking, like that one time I fell in love with a piece of cake displayed in the window of a local baker. Let me tell you Gemini, every day I walked past that piece of cake, desire churning in my loins. Then one day it was gone and all I had left was the memory of its chocolate frosting and what could have been.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
You will stay up too late this week analyzing the State of the Union Address given by President Obama. You will scrutinize every detail, from Joe Biden’s tie color to Justice Ginsberg’s radiant sexuality. Oh that Ginsberg with her lithe body and liberal leanings. Its enough to make a man want to start a second, more progressive family with an older woman.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
I know you hate spiders but I have bad news for you. Spiders regularly crawl all over your naked torso as you sleep at night. These disgusting, godless creatures make merry on your belly and occasionally sink their bacteria filled teeth into your skin, just to leave a bite mark and the potential for a serious infection later on in the week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Take comfort friend! You are living in a great state, Idaho. Why is Idaho so great? Let me tell you! We are accepting of others (except LGBTQIA people who can be fired for their sexual preferences) and we are forgiving of personal mistakes (except for the high rate of people who are incarcerated in state facilities. Watch out West Virginia!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
For a small length of time, you will think you have obtained superior mental powers that allow you to understand the thoughts of others. This newfound power will immediately be debunked when you make an awkward sexual advance toward your local mail carrier. Apparently, organizing and delivering mail doesn’t translate into attraction.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
With the planets nearly in alignment, your chances of reverting back to a vampire are higher than ever. Try this: plunge a wooden stake directly into your heart and bury yourself at a crossroads at midnight. (Disclaimer: Do not listen to any of this advice and do not attempt to plunge a stake into your heart or bury yourself at a crossroads at midnight.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
The transportation will likely take away your license after you decide to allow more room for traffic by driving on city sidewalks. They are probably not happy with the fact that you take regular shortcuts through grassy parts of city parks and neighboring lawns. To hell with them! Don’t tread on me! Freedom etc!
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
I am glad you have been paying close attention to these horoscopes as they can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. So rich, in fact, that you have to start wiping your ass with hundred dollar bills, just to keep up with the massive amount of income you receive every day. Also, you will buy most of central Idaho declaring your own state: Freedaho.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
You have always been the type of person who enjoys the smell of a warm body. Especially a body that regularly expels noxious gases and is willing to lay and spoon for a while without moaning and bitching. That’s why you love your neighbors golden retriever so much, she doesn’t fight off your advances and she doesn’t talk much.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
It’s time for a new tattoo! Try getting a matching tattoo this time. Sit down with a best friend and loved one to brainstorm ideas for your next inked body art. These things can’t be erased and you should think long and hard. Imagine how the person who got matching forehead swastika tattoos with Charles Manson feels today.