Aries (March 21- April 19):
Now that classes are back in session, you are excited to get back to your busy school schedule. Your classes this term will be blessed by the holiest of holy wise men and women. Make sure to wear your eagle claw amulet and light all of your elaborate bathroom candles each morning before leaving the house.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Are you alone? Seriously though, look around you for eavesdroppers. Nobody there? OK. Here’s the thing. I have been checking you out for a couple weeks now and I like what I see. There is something so sexy about an acid-washed jean jacket and mustache hair. We need to go out and get a glass of milk sometime.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You have the keen ability to make the greatest sandwiches in the greater Ada County area. Don’t kid yourself, you are the best around and nobody’s gonna keep you down. Use this power for good and help the neighborhood parents out by making sandwiches for their children to eat for lunch at school.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Keep an eye out for changes in the lunar cycle. Soon the moon will run red with the blood of the gypsies. You will notice you develop werewolf tendencies each time a full moon appears in the sky, causing you to raid gypsy caravans and drag away a plump, juicy child for eating. Also, you will develop thick body hair.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
All this talk about holistic medicine and natural healing has really influenced you to try new things for your health. After attending a natural medicine convention, you will find yourself using banana leaves to wipe your ass. It will take months for your sensitive ass to adjust to the rough banana leaves and the venture will leave you financially exhausted.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
A serious decision will have you worried and wringing your hands in frustration. Take a step back and ask friends and family for advice before making the choice. Call your therapist and ask for some direction. After all of this, get back in line and order the cheeseburger that you feel is best for you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Clowns. Large clowns. Little clowns. Clowns riding little bicycles in circles. Clowns chain smoking cigarettes on dirty streets in front of dive bars. Drunken clowns asleep on subways and public buses. Clowns who unsuccessfully tried to run for mayor. Clowns are creepy and should not be trusted by anyone.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Love problems will have your genitals in a pinch this week. More specifically, you will accidentally zip your genitals into your pants zipper causing extreme emotional and physical distress. It’s not really a love problem I suppose. Well, if you love your pants, then it could be considered a serious love problem.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Keep a level head this week as you head to your first class meetings with your professors. Sometimes a new professor can be intimidating and may make you feel like you are intellectually inferior. Make a big scene in your first class and challenge the teacher to an arm wrestling contest to determine your superiority.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Strike when the iron is hot. Don’t let life pass you by. Believe in yourself. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Blah Blah Blah. You only live once. Justin Bieber. Blah Blah Blah. Facebook posts and Instagram photos of inspirational yoga positions. Inspirational, misspelled tattoos all over the youth.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
As you probably know by now, this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Of course there will be happiness and understanding for you. You will experience crystal revelations and love and peace will rule the stars. Just keep a close eye on Jupiter and when the planets align, the age has begun.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week is gonna rule! You will have everyone give you the most kick-ass high fives ever! In some shipping error, thousands of pounds of frozen pizza will be delivered to your front door free of charge. After calling the pizza company to clear up the error, you will be offered a CEO position with a high starting salary.