Aries (March 21- April 19):
Santa’s elves are hard at work this year, getting all of your stupid Iphones and leather boots ready so that you can own a bunch of stuff you don’t need. These elves don’t even have proper health insurance and are not given access to proper bathrooms. Also, they are all malnourished because they only eat cookies and
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
You are always extremely sensitive about the feelings of your friends and family. Sometimes you just break into tears when you think about all of the pain in the world caused by farts and indigestion. Make it your mission to make sure everyone around you is taking proper medication and holding in their farts.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
After putting up all of your Christmas lights this year, you realize that the neighbors have become upset about your decorations. Perhaps your “sexy Christmas” theme came on a bit too strong. Your neighbors are tired of explaining to their children the reason Mrs. Clause is topless and why Santa is only wearing black socks.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Watch for bad omens this holiday break. If you see a black cat crossing your path, run away squealing and push old ladies out of your way as you flee in terror. If you go to the bathroom and the toilet seat is cold, tear it off of the toilet and violently throw it through a closed window. Breaking the window should end the curse.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
As you prepare to take a month-long break from your studies, don’t forget to honor your spirit animal by lighting scented candles and holding late night poetry readings. Express yourself freely and loudly no matter how late it is or how much you have had to drink. But stop if your roommates threaten to call the police.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You may feel like you are spinning your wheels this week as you try to get around town. In actuality, you are spinning your wheels because it is icy outside, you don’t have four wheel drive and your tires are bald as all hell. Even though you are trying to stay in good shape, it’s hard to ride a bike in the ice and snow.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Watch what you say this year around your younger family members. Your pride about your education and accomplishments may anger those who haven’t had the opportunity to go on and experience secondary education. Try to remind your cousins in junior high that college isn’t all about drinking, it’s mostly about doing drugs.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
This time of year, you may notice strange men and women have set up stalls in grocery store parking lots to sell dead trees. Do not trust these people as they have stolen the soul forces from each tree and are trying to convince buyers that the trees can simply be replanted in the backyard and will continue growing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
You are a very spiritual person and will be shaken to the core this week when it is revealed to you that Jesus was most likely born in the springtime. That explains why He was always dressed in a thin white robe instead of massive puffy winter coat in all of the photos we have of Him. He did miss out on skiing though.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
All of the little boys and girls are no doubt excited by all of the gifts Santa has in store for them this Christmas. Its up to you to remind them the real reason for Christmas: overeating. Bake plenty of cookies and muffins and force feed all of the children at your local elementary school. Tell them the truth about Santa too.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
With spring term steadily approaching, you have looked over the courses and are upset about the lack of diversity offered by the university. I mean, where is the Walker Texas Ranger course? Where is the class about the vast cultural influences of Touched by an Angel? Sometimes I wonder about this place…
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
President Kustra has invited you to his house for Christmas dinner this year. Don’t be rude and remember to RSVP and bring your finest bottle of wine and homemade dish. Kustra will entertain the household with his singing and tap dancing routine and will spend the evening drinking wine and prank calling Coach Pete with you.