Aries (March 21- April 19):
As you get closer to Christmas, you realize you have not gotten any shopping done. In a stroke of brilliance, you will decide to knit sweaters for all of your friends using excess cat hair from your 20 or so cats in your studio apartment. The sweaters will actually turn out quite nice and your friends will end up wearing them for years.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Burn all of your personal correspondence and do not drink milk this week. You are all full of toxins and need to sweat them out. Construct a trash bag suit and wear heavy clothing to get started. If you begin to feel sick or lightheaded, that’s just because your body is releasing all of those gross toxins. Mostly from fast food and gas station candy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
If you are feeling ill this week, it is probably your spirit remembering past lives and missing all of those dead people it used to know. Unfortunately for you, the spirit is stubborn and can only be repressed with horse tranquilizers and alcohol and then later wrestled into submission with alternating hot and cold showers.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Watch out for Christmas miracles this week. They are going to be everywhere and may cause car accidents on the freeway and complicate traffic. Leave for work three hours early just in case so you can inspect the roads. If everything feels safe, pull over on the freeway and light firecrackers to throw at passing cars.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
One night this week, you will be visited by the ghost of Christmas past, present and future. Each ghost will show you scenes of joy, despair and death. Then you will wake on Christmas morning two weeks from now and suddenly buy all of the little poor children full turkeys their poor mothers can then prepare for dinner.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Other people are important to you. So much in fact, that you feel the need to be around others most of the time. Now that the holidays are here, you feel the need to spend time with those who gave birth to and/or raised you. Do not give into this weak human compulsion. Send all of your relatives emails saying you won’t be home for Christmas.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
You and a group of friends will experience a fantastic spiritual journey this week and will become closer than ever. After holding hands and trying to contact ghosts, you will all be visited by the ghosts of both Abraham Lincoln and Biggie Smalls who will throw the most kick ass dance party you have ever been to.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
In order to keep up with all of the extra work at the end of the term, you have taken up amauter crime fighting on the Greenbelt. Clad in tights and a cape, you have used your limited karate skills to take down some crooks but can’t seem to get past the problem of staying warm in such thin material.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
You are the kind of person who frankly doesn’t take shit from nobody. That is why you wear a leather jacket and black eyeliner: to look edgy and intimidate others. Also, you like flash dancing and doing spins like in West Side Story. Singing and spinning while executing precisely choreographed dance moves.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Coach Pete has left our university to go coach at Washington University. Do not take this too hard and get down on yourself. You will still see him every other weekend and most holidays. Also, it’s not your fault at all. It’s just that he loves a new school now and has to go away to his new family.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
The winter storms are coming and you need to begin stocking supplies and woodpiles to survive the harsh blizzards. Save your feces and dry it outdoors in case you run out of materials to burn. Pioneers used to burn buffalo crap to cook their dinners, so what makes you too good for it?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You have political aspirations and want to make it to the White House someday. You have been going door to door handing out pamphlets to notify your neighbors about your political platform. Your reputation is renowned. Unfortunately, there are no known elections held to nominate a town drunk.