Aries (March 21- April 19):
Start your day off with a lighthearted joke. Grab a stranger on the street and yell in their ear. Laugh and laugh until a gang of bikers decides they have had enough of your antics and gives you a thorough beating. Laugh and laugh and then make sure to check yourself into the nearest hospital for internal bleeding.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
All of these commercials telling you to buy their products are truly missing the point of the holiday season. Only you know how to appease the gods in order to bring about the equinox and save humanity from destruction. Light large bonfires in the school parking lot and declare President Kustra King of England.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
All of your friends have been spending plenty of time in dive bars and shady establishments, drinking beer and carousing with the lower class. Well, you just aren’t ready to give up your fur coats and champagne just yet. Slowly make the transition to light beer and sweats at your own pace.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
As you gaze into the night sky this week, you will see plenty of shooting stars lighting up the atmosphere. Each time you see one, make sure to say a little prayer in your heart for world peace. Unknown to you however, these shooting stars are actually Russian long range nukes landing on the eastern seaboard.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
As a serious cigarette smoker, you have decided to change things up a bit and chew tobacco as well. As you become accustomed to the high concentration of nicotine in your blood, you will begin wearing a patch, chewing tobacco and smoking just to get that rich nicotine high that can’t be matched.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
As the weather has become chillier and chillier, you have become even more stubborn. After being arrested for breaking into the local swimming pool that had closed for the winter, you decide it’s time to head out onto the frozen lake and cut yourself a hole to practice staving off hypothermia.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
It’s that time of year again when everyone has a spring in their step and a tune on their lips. You can’t help yourself and find that you are willing to pay for the expensive medical procedure involving putting steel springs in your legs for extra bounce. Also, you will replace your lips with a cheap plastic whistle.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Santa’s elves are hard at work in the north pole, but they are not getting paid a fair wage. Much to Santa’s chagrin, they have begun to form unions and have gone on strike, refusing to make even the simplest toys. In order to end the strike, Santa will use brute force to crack down on the socialist movement.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
With winter blizzards on the way, snow monsters up in the hills have awakened and greedily prepare to feast on human flesh as skiers and snowboarders begin to pack the slopes. Luckily, your grandmother gave you a lucky rabbit’s foot that should ward off the savage beasts with its magical properties.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
After being exposed to unhealthy doses of radiation in an industrial accident, you will find yourself with a set of super powers that are not useful in any way. You can now sleep without ever snoring, drink a gallon of whole milk in under one hour without vomiting and say your ABC’s backwards without stumbling.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
As you head out for class one morning, you notice your neighbor putting up some festive Christmas lights and you decide to do the same. Unfortunately, the only lights you have are a couple of strobe lights and one disco ball. At least Santa will know that you like to party and will easily spot your house.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
The new federal healthcare website may have you in an uproar. Your grandparents may be saying “I told you so” as President Obama gives one embarrassing press conference after another. But at least you know in your heart that you voted for the candidate with the meanest jump shot and best high five ever.