Aries (March 21- April 19):
Santa has been watching you this year and he is not too pleased with your behavior. Santa is going green though and won’t be putting coal in your stocking this holiday season. Instead, he will be putting solar panels and wind turbines in your stocking forcing him to declare bankruptcy due to the high costs of delivery.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
This holiday season you will be looking for love at the various parties and get togethers that are sure to take place. You will find your true love under the mistletoe and when you find that special person, make sure the moment is magical and romantic. Unless you end up under the mistletoe with the neighbors’ golden retriever.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
This week you will find yourself disgusted with your wardrobe. All of those old clothes just aren’t cool enough anymore and it’s time to burn them in a barrel in the front yard, in full view of your astonished neighbors. From now on, you will drape yourself in velvet and the finest silks, just like the pharaohs of ancient Egypt.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Also, don’t look a regular horse in the mouth either. It’s extremely rude to look a horse in the mouth as they are very sensitive about their dental hygiene. Also, they have powerful hooves that could crush you in a moments notice. Just look them in their pretty eyes.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
The dry Idaho air has begun to dry out your skin. Bits of dead skin flake off of your body at a rapid rate. Instead of purchasing an expensive moisturizer that may or may not help the situation, simply bathe in large amounts of light mayonnaise. This will make your skin soft and you’ll smell like sandwiches.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You deserve a day off but you aren’t going to get it so you might as well just suck it up and get back to work. After all, life isn’t fair and money certainly doesn’t grow on trees. Except for when you meet a magical dwarf who gives you some seeds for a money tree that you are able to grow in your backyard.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
BEWARE TRAVELER! This winter season, you will make plans to head home for the holidays. Make sure to pack plenty of provisions and buy the strongest set of oxen available at local auction. Your covered wagon should make the journey back east just in time to make it for Christmas next year.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
After consuming massive amounts of turkey, buttered rolls and pie this past week, you have slipped into a diabetic coma. In fact, I am not sure how you are reading this considering you are in a hospital bed hooked up to a slew of beeping machines. Just remember, don’t go toward the light and certainly don’t give Jesus a hug.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Christmas gifts can be expensive and you may find yourself in dire financial straits this holiday season. In order to offset the costs of gifts you will try your hand at wood carving. Unfortunately, you will accidentally cut off your pinky finger after a few drinks one night. You’ll learn a valuable lesson: Don’t drink liquor and handle sharp knives.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Many people celebrate the holidays differently and you admire that, because you are an open minded, intelligent person who cares about world culture and diversity. In order to start your own holiday traditions, you look to ancient civilizations and their practice of animal sacrifice to make sure the winter snows melt away.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Some loud and obnoxious neighbors may ruin your peace and quiet this holiday season. This may come as a surprise to you, since many of your neighbors are generally quiet and respectful. Sometimes you just end up in a jail cell next to someone who doesn’t appreciate the magic and wonder of the holidays.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
After polishing off a bottle of whiskey with a heavy drinking uncle, you will be informed about how badly the president is doing his job, how all the minorities are taking over the country and how your uncle seems to be able to drink deadly amounts of alcohol without experiencing unconsciousness and hitting his head.