Aries (March 21- April 19):
A phone call from a stranger will change your life this week. Make sure to wear your pager at all times so you don’t miss this important message. The caller will identify themselves as representatives from the Chinese government will say two words, destroy capitalism. These two words will activate your brainwashing and prompt you to kill.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Someone you do not know will come to you for advice this week, but be wary Taurus. You really shouldn’t be giving out advice after all. Remember when you advised all of those junior high kids to drop out of school and start working a “real job”? Now my neighborhood is full of unemployed teenage gangsters.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your writing and speaking skills will elevate you to positions you never thought possible before. Soon enough, you will be contacted by the Republican party and will be asked to consider a run for president. Impress your right wing colleagues by constantly holding press conferences where you say offensive and inaccurate things.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
A group unrelated to you and your friends will receive credit for work you have done. Don’t worry about it though, tipping over porta-potties in construction sites is surely a crime in the great state of Idaho. Those who received due credit will also be instructed by a county judge to serve up to a years supervised probation.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Great news! Your career choices as of late will have your house in an uproar. Apparently, your family isn’t too happy about the idea of you becoming the head of a satanic cult. It’s not real the whole “worshiping the devil” thing that will upset them. It’s probably the fact that you decided to start wearing acid washed jeans.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your actions today may be directed toward bettering the community and solving some of the common health problems your friends and family suffer from, but the unintended consequences will be nothing short of a disaster. After selling bottles of your own urine as a health elixir, you will be promptly arrested and jailed.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Time to indulge in some laughter. I mean some real belly laughs. Start laughing all of the time regardless of the circumstance or mood displayed by others. When you get pulled over for speeding, laugh hysterically at the officer. When the stock market crashes again, just stare at a blank TV screen and laugh and laugh.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You need to start sharing your thoughts with others this week or you will feel like exploding. Hold impromptu political discussions with others while waiting in line for coffee. If they don’t want to talk, try insulting them. This will cause them to become angry and they will probably be motivated to engage in meaningful discussion.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Try not to get caught up in all of the beauty and majesty nature has to offer this time of year. While the leaves are changing color and falling to the ground, you will find you are experiencing the same phenomenon. For leaves, this is normal, but humans shouldn’t change colors and experience frequent loss of consciousness.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
There is a fast paced energy in the air that will cause you to become quite angry this week. Why are all of these people running around and meeting deadlines and appointments? Sometimes you just feel like a hamster on a wheel, spinning over and over again, going nowhere. Perhaps you died and were reincarnated as a rodent.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your mind will play trick on you this week causing you to start seeing visions of long dead American presidents like Teddy Roosevelt who encourage you to commit a string of bank robberies. My best advice: ask Richard Nixon for help when questioned by the police. He’s not a crook and either are you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A financial investment msy end badly for you this week if you are not extremely careful. Watch the sunrise and sunset for shooting stars and keep track of your toenail clippings to try and predict the near future. Also, do not invest in your neighbors start up used toilet paper business. It’s a shitty idea.