Aries (March 21- April 19):
You are a generous spirit but sometimes you are too generous and give out your spiritual vibrations for free. At least consider standing on a busy street corner and charging for your spirit. You may have to get a spirit pimp who will watch over you and make sure you are getting the highest price for your spirit.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
You have always been the best with your finances but will soon be confronted with a dilemma. Don’t try and buy the love of others. Of course, if you want to buy the love of others, you can always browse through the casual encounters section of Craigslist and find that one person who is willing to accept money for love.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You will be pulled between two aspects of your life this week. While the office demands you spend most of your week answering stupid phone calls from equally stupid people, try to take time to spend with your stupid family. Plan out a stupid vacation or have a stupid barbecue with some of your stupid neighbors.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Your energy is unusually slow this week causing you to lay around the house half nude in a dirty bathrobe. Don’t try and motivate yourself at all. You must let this lazy spell run its course. You also may be cursed and should make sure you are in good standing with the local Wiccan mages who can end your plight.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Sometimes traveling can be hectic and you wonder if you will ever reach your destination. Don’t fret. You will get where you are heading if you have patience. It may be a good idea to try purchasing a plane ticket instead of tearing up your lawn. Regardless of what your friends and family say, you can’t dig a hole to China.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Don’t believe anything you hear this week because it is all LIES! LIES I TELL YOU! The NSA has infiltrated every aspect of your pointless and mundane life. They are watching us right now. Every breath we take, every move we make. Every smile we fake, every claim we stake, they will be watching us.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
A visit from family this week will give you the chance to catch up and relax over dinner. There is nothing more soothing to the soul than a great dinner and the passive-aggressive comments of extended family members who have been guilt-tripped into hanging out with each other for an extended period of time.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
With your head in the clouds and your spirit flying as free as a majestic eagle, you will suddenly realize you have climbed onto the register counter at the local burger joint and have been flapping your arms and screeching loudly. Next time, remember to stay home after ingesting a significant dose of LSD.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
You may receive a phone call from a lost love today. Don’t get caught up in reminiscing about the past and how many times you two used to get caught up in the funniest situations, like when you both started a meth lab and were eventually caught and arrested by the sheriff’s department.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
A loved one will need your close and personal attention this week. Every night after you arrive home, make sure and pamper your cat the best way you know how: deep tissue massages. Just strap that kitty to a massage table (or ironing board) and slowly begin to work scented oils into its back fur.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your intuition is at an all-time high this week. Use your intuition to help further the cause of good and not evil. Take the time to read others’ emotions and be sure to use your heightened sensitivity to find the cleanest, less frequented bathroom on campus where you can relieve yourself in peace.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
Be cautious this week as your imagination begins to run wild. A sudden impulse to dress like a clown will grab hold of you and undoubtedly strike terror into the hearts and minds of the small school children you drive the bus for. After a parent complains about your costume, you will be placed in a mental home.