Aries (March 21- April 19):
You will find many goals are within your reach this week if you just stop talking so much about your recently purchased dragon tattoo. Though dragon tattoos are super rad and drive the ladies wild, not everyone is interested in hearing about how much it hurt to get, or the inspiration behind the design.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A deep emotional struggle will present itself to you this week and you will be torn between two worlds, the world of magic and the world of muggles. As it turns out, the federal government is just a front for the large magical universe described in the Harry Potter series. You will be summoned to Hogwarts soon to begin schooling.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Conversations with others will seem difficult this week as you struggle to understand what others are saying. For some reason, everyone will speak Russian and you will soon realize you have been transported to the near future where Obama and Putin rule the planet with an iron fist and absolute global control.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Financial troubles will throw you for a loop this week if you are not careful. In a time of great desperation and bizarre logic, you will spend a substantial amount of the family nest egg on Wonka candy bars in a vain attempt to collect a golden ticket that will surely result in the drowning death of your overweight son.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
It’s time to deal with your pride issues Leo. You are not always right about everything and your insistence on being so has become a major turnoff for friends and family. Like that one time last week when you refused to admit defeat at your weekly Dungeons and Dragons role playing game in your parent’s basement.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
A cluttered room represents a cluttered mind, a wise person once said. Time to get down in the basement and get all of that junk cleaned up. It is probably a good idea to begin exhuming the bodies of deceased relatives as well since it is against the law to bury bodies anywhere but designated cemeteries.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
You are having so much fun this week and you will probably not want to slow down. If you want to keep the party going, I know a high school chemistry teacher nicknamed Heisenberg who makes some of the best crystal this side of the Mississippi. You just have to meet him at the old junkyard.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Take the time to slow down this week and check in with home base. After all, the home base is where all of your supplies are and now that you are living in the zombie apocalypse, your family and food stores are there as well. Your home base is made from sturdy pine, but a large zombie horde could break through.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
For too long have you hidden who you really are from friends and family. Perhaps it is time to show the world what you have been doing every night and explain why you are able to get all of those great photo’s of Spiderman for your gig as a photographer for the city’s most prominent newspaper.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Sometimes you need to sit down and figure out your priorities. Though people may think it cold to value money of real human affection and friendship, you will thank yourself later when you are rolling in all of the cold hard cash you have accumulated by taking advantage of the world’s poor and impoverished.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your energy this week will seem like it is off of the charts. In fact, you will notice those that come into direct contact with you will experience a serious electric shock that will cause them to lose consciousness. You may want to investigate what effects of living near a power plant may have on the human body.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You may have the urge to help out your fellow human beings this week by offering door to door private exotic dances for a one time low fee. Do not become discouraged if you find yourself facing loaded guns or in handcuffs in the back of a squad car. Keep up the hard work and follow your dreams.