Aries (March 21- April 19):
Instead of trying that same old approach to your problems, try something new this week. Travel to the Black Forest in Germany and capture a mystical white stag. Promptly saw off the stag’s horns and grind them into a fine powder. This powder, when mixed with water and consumed, will solve everything.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
Hanging out with friends will be your saving grace this week because you will find yourself stranded on a desert island after your plane crashes in the south Pacific. You will be quite lonely until your friend Wilson the volleyball comes to visit. Wilson doesn’t judge and is a great listener.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
As you have begun the ancient art of finding a mate this week, you will only find sexual frustration and confusion as your bedfellows. Try wearing brightly colored clothing (plumage) and dousing yourself in your own sweat and urine so that potential mates will know you are near.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Romance is in store for you this week, Cancer. When you finally reach the moment when both you and your lovers bodies unite in sexual congress, make sure to light plenty of scented candles and incense from the distant Orient. These exotic smells will guarantee many offspring.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Some people put things off for too long saying, “I am going to start eating better tomorrow”, or “I can quit Meth anytime I want to”. Seize the moment and harness the energy in the air to make the appropriate life changes that will keep you out of rehab and without diabetes.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You may experience writers block this week as you try to write Facebook posts about pointless things in your life that nobody really cares about. Don’t stress, sometimes we all wonder why we are reading about what someone ate for dinner, or how their workout went that morning.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Action. Lots of action. Hot sweaty action. Action films. Action Jackson. This week will be all about action for you. “Where is the action at and where can I find it?”, you may ask. Just take a look around you. There are plenty of ways to get in on all of the action while remaining safe.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Your schoolwork and lovelife have begun to come full circle and deeply intertwine. That is probably because you are sleeping with one of your professors who offers course lectures post sexual congress. You will able to combine two pastimes, love making and mandatory college courses.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Your physical appearance may appear upsetting to those around you this week. Since you retired to the woods to live, you have fashioned your clothing from animal skins stained with blood and smelling of the rotting flesh. Coincidentally however, Louis Vuitton’s new line of clothing matches this theme.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Know what you are getting yourself into before making any serious decisions this week. Always consult your local energy healer and psychic before doing ANYTHING. Who knows what could happen to you if you branch off and decide to do your own thing. You could lose some serious karma.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Your heart may be broken from recent incidents beyond your control. This happens and you shouldn’t let it get to you. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, someone takes the last piece of cake at the birthday party leaving you cake-less. There is plenty of delicious cake out there to eat.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will be filled with indescribable joy this week, then soon after you will be filled with hopelessness, dread and terror as you realize the bed you are sleeping in and the person you are lying next to are unfamiliar and smell terrible. Maybe you should see your doctor about that sleeping pill you’re on.