Aries (March 21- April 19):
You may feel like you are driving on the freeway and all of the lanes are merging at once today. That’s because you ARE on a freeway and the lanes ARE merging! Stop reading your horoscope while driving unless you enjoy staring at the ceiling from a hospital bed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
After experiencing drama with a group of coworkers this week, you will distance yourself from that crowd. But no matter how hard you try to distance yourself, the federal government will find you and hold you accountable for tax evasion, embezzlement and being too sexy for your shirt.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
This week you will feel like a caged lion/lioness. So break free from your cage and dance! You are a wild spirit and the only way for you to soar like an eagle is to get out on the dance floor and kick those legs and thrash around. Your dance moves will earn you an interesting reputation.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Everything is falling apart around you this week but support from friends will get you through. Unfortunately Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Jose Cuervo aren’t going to stick around and offer lasting support. And why are all of your friends men you sexist pig?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Try something new this week and be spontaneous! I mean give it a try will ya? Instead of putting two spoonfuls of sugar in your coffee, try one! Instead of using toilet paper, try using your finest hand towels. Instead of driving a car, try riding a push scooter to school this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Though your emotions may weigh you down this week, there are solutions to your slump. I know a doctor that specializes in alternative medicine. His office is in an odd location, in an alleyway downtown, but he has the best medicine in town. I just can’t remember where he went to medical school…
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
With everything going on this week, you may an like you are a machine and your brain is the operating system. Even though your main mission was to travel back in time and kill John Connor to ensure the proliferation of Skynet, try to stay on top of your studies and make the honor roll.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You may feel like this week is the one for you to break free. Unfortunately, you have been kidnapped by a gentleman named Buffalo Bill. He will insist on using your skin to make a suit he will wear late at night while howling at the moon. Just remember to apply lotion.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
A twist of luck will aid you in an emotional battle this week. After thinking your roommate ate the last piece of cake from your cousins wedding, you will discover a lost king size candy bar lodged between some leftovers and the rotten gallon of milk you still haven’t thrown out.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Friendships are an important thing for you to maintain. That’s why you will begin to mark all of your closest associates with your urine this week in an attempt to thwart other pack rivals from asserting their dominance in the social order. Also, your friends may become quite upset with you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Solutions come in all shapes and sizes so don’t be upset if you don’t get exactly what you want this week. I mean, what did you expect? Felony grand larceny carries a set of harsh penalties that will likely land you in the big house for years. At least you don’t have to worry about work now.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are about to receive some shocking news this week as you find you are related to a large mafia family in New York City. They will fly you out to have cannolis, prosciutto, and to whack a couple people who can’t keep their damn noses out of the family business.