Aries (March 21- April 19)
Look deeply into your own soul today. Take the time to slow down and practice self reflection. Let all of those long repressed childhood memories come flooding to the surface. This will cause you to suffer a bizarre mental
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Watch what you say to friends and colleagues as it may be taken the wrong way. Like when the founding fathers created the second amendment to the constitution allowing for the right to bear arms. They really just intended to make sure everyone had a pair of bear arms.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will meet someone special this week and begin a whole new chapter of your life filled with bad communication and passive-aggressive behavior. Thus, you will take the next step of your life and get married.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“Cancer!” When someone says that out loud, people usually don’t get too excited. In your case however, Cancer, you are the only sign with a good reading this week. Follow these instructions: shake strangers and yell, “Cancer!”
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your high levels of energy this week will force others to avoid you altogether. Do not let these circumstances get you down. Also, your family will become increasingly concerned about you stockpiling Sudafed and collecting chemistry equipment.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Take control of your life this week. Stop trolling the message boards for the local badminton society — get a grip on yourself! If people want to play badminton and discuss the complexities of the sport, they should be able to do so without heinous comments from you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are going to have an intense week. Brace yourself. You will wake this week to find the federal government has completely shut down due to the stubbornness of an orange-skinned man who feeds off of the tears of small children.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week, your stress may manifest itself in dinner-related dreams. To counter-act such dreams, avoid mashed potatoes at all costs. Their lumps may trigger a breakdown.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22)
Everyone is starting to suspect you of being a local serial killer. When people talk about your murders in class, be sure to laugh like a creep and tell everyone the killer could be closer than any of them realize and then look down suddenly.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19)
Just prepare yourself for blasts of energy this week. Make sure you are eating organic foods, donating to charities and becoming accustomed to foreign cultures. You know, all that crap you do to make yourself forget death.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t try to force a round peg into a square hole, Aquarius. Also, don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Also, good things come to those who wait. Also, time heals all wounds. Also, don’t base your life on stupid platitudes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will have a great deal of power over your associates this week. It probably has something to do with you recently getting a concealed-weapons permit and wearing a .45 pistol on your hip during