Aries (March 21- April 19):
Use caution this week Aries; you will receive some Earth shattering news about your career. Apparently, a major children’s network rejected your teen comedy pilot because of sexually graphic and violent content unsuitable for children.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
An interest in foreign art will cause you to seriously examine your upbringing and moral values this week. You will ask yourself, “Why didn’t my parents introduce me to the complexities and depth of the Hungarian masters?”
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
Your good sense and fortune are at a peak this week. Maybe it’s time to splurge and buy that new car and cell phone you don’t really need. Remember to mark all of your new purchases with urine in case pack rivals try to challenge you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
A message will reach you from an old friend or lover this week. The message will be delivered by a grease covered owl that will cough incessantly before dropping owl turds all over the plush carpets your mother gave you last Easter.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
An increase of knowledge in technology will give you a one up over your peers at work this week. I mean, who knew you would figure out how to use the fryers so quickly at your new job? Beware of jealous coworkers.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
This week a series of magical events will bestow themselves upon you. First, you will be visited by three wise men and three wise women from the future (there is no sexism in the future) who will take you back to the future to prevent your birth.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Your interest in purchasing some workout equipment may prompt you to buy all of the Chuck Norris endorsed Total Gyms in the neighborhood with the intent of driving up demand for the product, then selling them all at exuberant prices.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Take some time this week and listen to that little person inside of you who prompts you to make better decisions. In your case, the little person inside of you is your twin that never fully developed or was re-absorbed by you in the womb.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
A highly ambitious investment opportunity will present itself to you this week but you must act now, as this is going to be the last opportunity for a while. All you need to do is recruit a bunch of people to work under you, kind of like a pyramid.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Some people may try to put you down this week, but don’t listen or take stock in their insults. Your unibrow is large, flowing and beautiful. Are you really going to go and shave it because a bunch of classless morons suggested it?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
A visit from an old friend may bring back some long repressed memories. Flashback to the summer of ‘99. You are deep in the jungles of Vietnam and covered in bug repellent. You are working at a heroin processing plant in the Golden Triangle.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You will fall desperately in love with yourself this week. You will find yourself taking photos of everything you do and posting them to the Internet along with every mundane idea or opinion that happens to pop into your head.