Aries (March 21- April 19):
Disputes between you and roommates will reach a fever pitch this week. One of your roommates has been running an illegal VHS bootleg operation and will start to bring over the shady Russian contacts in charge of eastern european distribution.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A friend’s funeral will put you in contact with plenty of new people this week. Don’t be shy, remember meeting new people is pretty neat. After all, what would your dead hamster think if you acted all weird at his funeral?
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
A wad of cash will present itself to you soon. Use this money to fix up that hovel you call a home. First off, paint over the blood spattered walls and begin to evict the transients that come and go from the basement area.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
A relative from a distant land will visit this week and lighten your spirits. Try to steer the conversation away from gossip. Most of the town gossip concerns your illicit behavior anyway, so it’s best that you just don’t talk about it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Your imagination will soar and soar this week. It will probably soar too high and you will end up melting your wings like Icarus when he flew too close to the sun. Remember, being ambitious is dangerous and a waste of time.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Well don’t you just look wonderful today! This week you will feel like the world is your oyster. Throw a party this week and see who shows up. Keep a list of people that don’t show and remember to exact your just revenge.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Some misunderstanding between local police and yourself may result in an extended vacation in the county jail. Don’t think of this as a bad thing though. You are going to get plenty of exercise and finally get a chance to finish that novel.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
This week you will meet a handsome person online but after agreeing to meet in person, you will find yourself disgusted with this stranger. The stranger will bless your coat and and other outer wear for the winter.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
You are a very down to Earth person. You live in a cave deep down in the recesses of this planet. A ring of power will be placed in your hands and will consume your thoughts and desires for the next 1,000 years.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Emotions are running high for you this week. Try not to break into massive fits of rage after every minor disappointment. Xbox controllers and cell phones are expensive to replace after being violently dashed against walls.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
You will feel healthy and well balanced this week. Everything is coming together for you. Your crystal energy is at it’s peak and your cleansing diet of lemon water and cayenne pepper will clean out your insides and soul.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will find out you are married this week. Apparently, after sleep walking a couple of months ago during a Vegas vacation, you married a hustler and drug dealer from the main strip after confessing your latenight love.