Aries (March 21- April 19):
Strange dreams will cause you to lose sleep this week. As soon as you wake, record these omens in a dream journal to be reviewed by the neighborhood shaman. Also, watch the flight of small birds and try to interpret their meaning.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A sudden, unprovoked melancholy will settle upon you this week, forcing you to dye your hair black and paint your nails dark red. You will drink coffee slowly most nights and read the memoirs of Joseph Stalin until late in the evening.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
DO NOT GO OUTSIDE! In fact, draw a bath and do not plan on leaving your porcelain fortress until Tuesday’s horoscopes are released. Make plenty of sandwiches to have on stand-by for the arduous times ahead of you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
You will have some difficulty with two things this week, your home and your mother, who just so happen to live in the same house. Remedy this problem by moving out of your mother’s house like a real grown adult.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Unfortunately, you will be the victim of gossip this week and one of your closest friends is surely to blame. Weed out the mole by kidnapping and waterboarding each of your closest confidants until you draw out a confession.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Money matters will leave you confused, naked, and homeless this week. Apparently, you have to earn money that in turn is used to pay basic bills like rent and electricity. Especially since wealthy people aren’t just handing out greenbacks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Housing troubles may find you and force you to relocate. This will come as a shock to you since you have already procured the finest spot under the bridge downtown. Fear not, the riverside has many pleasant little hovels available.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
You will be clear-headed and vigilant this week, prompting you to get started writing that novel you have been thinking about. Unfortunately, medication you are taking will interact badly with a cup of coffee you will drink and everything you write will be unreadable.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Financial trouble will force you to make desperate decisions, like taking up gambling in the local underground poker ring. Build up your poker face by allowing local teenagers to punch you until you stop flinching.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Though you are a pretty smart person, sometimes being a know-it-all can put a damper on a fun night. Like last weekend when you informed an officer that you “know your rights” and that these “damn pigs will never take me back to the clink.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
An old episode of Law and Order will prompt you to attempt your hand at amateur detective work. Your first case will involve solving the mystery of the missing bottle of wine. After that, you will work on the mystery of the hangover.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
A good friend will ask you for a substantial monetary loan this week. Do not give them a thin dime. Save your money and buy a cabin near Idaho City for when Obama comes and tries to take our guns. They ain’t takin’ your guns though…