Aries (March 21- April 19):
Stress will take a toll on your physical health this week. Remember to relax and take plenty of bubble baths. Light a scented candle and really make it something special. Plug in a lava lamp too.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
With things going so well for you this week, what do you need me to say that will make things any better? I mean, look at you. You are an exquisite work of art. It’s like Michelangelo himself sculpted your figure from the finest manures.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
You will find the drive and energy to create glorious works of art this week. As you put the finishing touches on a masterful plate of homemade nachos, remember to reflect on all those artists who paved the way before you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
Someone in your life will need a lot of love and affection this week and you are the person for the job. First, buy Neil Diamond’s greatest hits on CD and then be sure to adorn your walls with elk antlers. This will help you help them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
There is tension in the air this week and you are partly responsible. Perhaps the tension is related to the fact that you can’t go five minutes without discussing your bowel movements with those in your immediate area.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You are really in a financial jam this week and may be forced to consider a second job to make ends meet. Have a look on Craigslist under casual encounters. I have seen some people earn nearly five hundred dollars for a couple hours of honest work.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
While you have just received a myriad of good news, don’t go out and start bragging about what happened. Others may find out about your email from a deposed Nigerian prince and may try to cut you out of the equation altogether.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Now that your pockets are bulging with hundred dollar bills, don’t go right out and spend it on loose women and alcohol. I have a cousin that is trying to start a cat washing business and is in need of an investment partner. Think about it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
Due to a flux in the space-time continuum, you will be transported to the distant future where all of mankind has migrated to space colonies. Your utter ignorance about even basic technology will cause the future people to put you to death.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
Some social disputes with neighbors have forced you to become a recluse in your own home. It’s not your problem if they don’t approve of you burning your own feces in a large, industrial size steel barrel in the backyard. Be yourself.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
As you are getting older, you have started to leave some friends behind because of your escalating maturity. Maybe it’s time to tell all of your friends living in the cult compound to get real jobs and contribute to society.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your attention to personal hygiene has not gone unnoticed this week. Remember, you can’t mask the smell of body odor by applying larger amounts of perfumes and colognes. Give your armpits time to heal and they will stop smelling by themselves.