Aries (March 21- April 19):
You will fall in a rabbit hole this week and experience a magical journey complete with talking animals and hookah pipes. You will save the fairy queen and bring peace to all the kingdoms. Then you will wake up a go about your miserable life.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
This week you will be exposed to high levels of gamma radiation as the result of a solar flare. You will gain great foresight and power, the power to develop tumors all over your body and fight crime using unchecked cell replication.
Gemini (May 21-June 20):
All of this rain really gets you to thinking, doesn’t it? I mean, what’s rain really made out of? Angel pee? That’s how I know my great grandmother is still watching over me; she is kind enough to urinate on my lawn and flowers.
Cancer (June 21-July 22):
This week you will become embroiled in a national political scandal. After successfully running for U.S. senate, you will be caught accepting a bribe from the ice-cream lobbies who promise you a lifetime supply of peanut butter-chocolate.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Do not let people push you around this week. Instead, YOU do the pushing! Try your best to shove anyone in your immediate radius. This will establish your dominance over the other weaker members of the social order.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your ability to work as a team member will pay off this week. After a heavy night of drinking, you and a group of friends will be forced to bury the body of a transient whom you accidently hit with your SUV while driving intoxicated.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
People are getting pretty tired of your know-it-all attitude and it is beginning to show. Don’t let this get you down though, you are usually right about everything and you know it. Who are these morons to tell you how it is?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
While romantic relationships have forced you to make personal decisions your grandmother wouldn’t be proud of, at least you have found energy crystals in a hillside cave that are guaranteed to channel energy through your chakra.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 22):
This week, try not to be so judgmental of others and let things run their course naturally. Nobody likes a gossip, especially one who doesn’t shower like yourself. While you are whispering about others, you still smell like feces.
Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 19):
It’s time to take a step back and look at who your real friends are. Do they wear vintage clothing and grow beards and long hair? Do they hang out on street corners and smoke cigarettes? Your friends are all hobos.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Today is not the day to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Take to the streets and try to garner pity from strangers by yelling them into a bullhorn and begging passersbys to hang out with you and talk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Get ready for a busy week Pisces. Later today, your physical frame will be taken over by the ghost of Henry VIII. You will spent most of the week trying to call the pope and attempting to divorce your catholic wife.