Fantasy football is a very beautiful thing. Not only is it an ideal way for millions of friends and family members to stay competitively connected throughout the years, but the treachery, deceit and banter which take place is unbeatable. My personal fantasy league, which should just be referred to as “The League” for legal reasons, and its team owners are a perfect example of this.
Over the years, I’ve been in a number of different fantasy leagues — baseball and football — but none quite like “The League.” We initially decided to start a league that would keep our group of friends connected, even though we are dispersed at five different colleges. The requirements for the league were a substantial buy-in to keep players motivated and ruthless punishments for the worst player in the league. I will now tell you how our league plans to deal with dreaded last place slot in the standings.
Reader discretion is advised.
If I happen to be the unfortunate soul who finishes last in the league, I have a few options of what my punishment will be. First, and probably the easiest, is the drag punishment. The team owner is required to dress in full drag, go downtown to a highly populated area and hold a sign that says “I suck at fantasy football” for three hours. This is easily the safest and least embarrassing of the punishments.
Secondly, the tattoo punishment. The winner of the league get’s complete artistic freedom to place a three square inch tattoo on the last place team owner’s backside. No restrictions.
The loser can also choose to wear nothing but a dog cone — like the ones used when an animal is spayed or neutered — to a public event and when questioned the losing team’s owner is not allowed to explain the reason behind the dog cone. Sporting events or movie theaters would be ideal, as the shamed fantasy player would be forced to sit next to the same people for multiple hours.
And easily the most disgusting consequence is the Craigslist casual encounter. If the loser so chooses, he must browse the casual encounters page on Craigslist to select his “date” for the evening. What ensues after the meet and greet shall remain confidential.
The final two options are monetary banes for the winner of the league. In one case, the loser of the league can host a car wash, seeking donations, with all the proceeds going to the winner. Also, the loser can panhandle on a busy corner for three hours. You guessed it, all of the money goes to the top team in the league.
After reading this, you may question my choice in friends and wonder how any of us are still enrolled at an accredited university. But actually, “The League” serves as the best way for us to stay connected, even when most of us are separated by thousands of miles. Plus, what’s better than watching your friend wash cars in a man thong while you collect the spoils?