Zombies 101: An Introductory Course

JOSH GAMBLE/The Arbiter

Imagine one day you wake up and no one’s around. The streets are empty, save for the fires and wrecked vehicles. It’s as if the world has gone silent, but then you hear it.

“Braaaiiins…”

It has begun.

Everyone knows in his or her heart of hearts that a zombie apocalypse is bound to happen sooner or later, the question is, which variety? There are three main varieties of zombie, although most only consider two.

First we have the classic corpse zombie, or “Shamblers.” These unfortunate “undead” first limped into the American zeitgeist in George Romero’s “Night of the Living Dead” (1960). The movie quickly became the first thing pictured when the word “zombie” is uttered. Reanimated corpses with rotting flesh and an insatiable appetite for brains, Romero zombies typically travel is large, slow-moving mobs. One or two of them are easy to take care of by removing or destroying the head, or just walking away.

The real trouble starts when a lone human encounters a large mob of zombies. The trick to avoiding the undead shamblers is to keep moving. Humans are devoured and “zombiefied” when they panic and allow themselves to be cornered. Those slain by zombies instantly arise as a zombie themselves, usually due to some sort of evil radio signal or voodoo necromancy.

The best defense against the undead is a truck. Not a shot gun, not a flame thrower but a large, four-wheel-drive truck. Try laughing at Hummer owners now. The Hummer, with its high wheel base and small windows, is an ideal defense. Undead zombies are slow and stupid, and easily mowed down. Just be sure to have plenty of gas and food in the trunk. When all else fails, grab a shot gun and clear out a gas station to get supplies.

Zombie type two, known as Russo Zombies, is the virus zombie, ala “28 Days Later” and “Resident Evil.” These are regular people infected by a virus that makes them want to kill everything in sight. Usually they can be stopped in the same manner in which you would stop an ordinary human. Bullets, bats and blades will all do the trick.

COURTESY/ JOSEPH DAVIDSON Zombies are waiting. They could even show up in the BRC.

The difficulty with these zombies is they maintain speed and motor function, making them much more difficult to avoid. The biggest threat these zombies pose is that of mutation, such as the “Tanks,” “Smokers” and “Boomers” in the Xbox 360 game “Left 4 Dead.” They tend to be more comfortable in dark places, so those immune should avoid tunnels and caves. The virus is spread via body fluids, including blood and saliva, thus killing the infected is a perilous task at best. The best course of action is to gather survivors and either jump the quarantine zone or set up a fortified commune in the woods. Eventually the zombies will die of tissue degeneration or starvation – until then survivors must stay vigilant.

The third and often ignored variety of zombie is the brain control zombie. These are people with something implanted into their brain, usually a microchip or nanobot, that takes over and shuts down the thinking parts of the brain. These zombies are controlled by a master computer at a remote location and they do its bidding. Nanobot zombies are rare in pop culture, although brain control through hypnotism is a common theme in television action and science fiction shows. Nanobots are the main theme in the novel “Prey” by Michael Crichton.

Scary, I know. But it can never happen, right? RIGHT?! Wrong. Check out cracked.com’s “5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocolypse Could Actually Happen.” Luckily, some students right here are BSU are here to help. BSU freshman and local zombie expert Joseph Davidson had the foresight to start “The Ultimate Zombie Survival Blog.”

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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