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Audacious Aunnie’s adventures:
As seen on TV
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During my formative years, I watched a lot of television, mostly VH1’s “Behind the Music” and a lot of weird movies on Channel 5. I usually stayed up ’till the wee hours reading and watching late-night television. And once “Beavis and Butthead” was over, there were the infomercials.
I loved the Power Juicer though Jack LaLanne scared me. He looked as if he’d just crawled from a crypt. Ron Popeil’s Food Dehydrator mesmerized and I watched the infomercial
constantly. However, I never took the infomercial plunge. Until Nads.
Nads was a green depilatory to heap on hairy areas. It appealed because the name was hilarious, it was edible and could be removed with water. In the infomercial, Nads’ Australian developer Sue Ismiel applies it to her daughter’s ape-like arm, “pulls the skin taut” and rips the hair off. Her daughter smiles. As a Basque girl, I grow a mustache. At 17, the last thing I wanted was a mustache. Nads was the perfect boost to my self-esteem and it actually worked. The only difference was I couldn’t smile.
As I matured, so did my television binges. I lived with my best friend and one night we saw “it:” The Abtronic System. For four low payments of $29.95, you could have rock-hard abs and not even leave the couch. The workout benefits didn’t interest, but the device did. The Abtronic System was a belt that emitted an electrical current controlled by a keypad. It came with a strange gel substance. Rub on the gel, strap the Abtronic to your stomach and your muscles would constrict their way to perfection.
Although I was ensorcelled with the weirdness, Justin couldn’t believe his ears. It was what he always wanted: chiseled abs while eating french fries. So, I played on his emotions and convinced him to buy it. “Yeah, of course it’s a good idea, totally worth the money,” I said. Usually, during an infomercial you can convince yourself you just don’t need it. Or you have a friend that tells you the purchase is a horrible idea. I am not that friend.
It arrived. Justin tore the box open. He ripped off his shirt and strapped it on. His whole midsection convulsed and eyes got wide. He emitted a few Bruce Lee grunts. When he took it off, his skin was bright red. He said it hurt.
The Abtronic went in the closet where most infomercial purchases go to die. Until we pulled it out one day when bored. One person controlled the keypad while the other was tortured with it strapped to their legs or arms. It provided endless hours of amusement as it made us unable to control our limbs.
A few years later, I saw an article where the Federal Trade Commission filed a complaint in court against Abtronic and two other systems. The FTC claimed the companies preyed on consumers and the devices did not work. I also read reports of people literally getting burned from the Abtronic. I can say firsthand that it did not work. But it didn’t prevent me from buying a Ped-Egg or an all-purpose cleaner from a door-to-door salesman who squirted it in his own eye just to prove that it was non-toxic.
ANDREA OYARZABAL
Arbiter Columnist
