LETTER TO THE EDITOR

A view From Kolob. This opinion is for my fellow compatriot of religious fervor brother Kris Donner who has felt the continued need to allude to the religious beliefs of the only true church on this planet. That church of course is the Mormon Church.
I count myself as being an almost complete expert on this belief system having been a member now for some 26 years on the church records.

Being inspired by brother Kris Donner I could not help but feel the urge to reveal to the readers of this newspaper what we Mormons literally believe about marriage.

I will try to fill in the major gaps Kris must have left out in his religious excitements. We Mormons do not even fully
recognize most straight marriage.

Let me explain, we believe in three levels of heaven.
I am pretty sure we only believe in one level of hell; don’t worry though it is pretty hard to get into, even for homosexuals.

The three levels of heaven in order from the least to greatest are the telestial, terrestrial, and celestial a.k.a the planet Kolob where god surely lives. What these heavenly levels have to do with marriage I will explain momentarily. We believe that upon death human beings are assigned to one of the heavenly levels based upon what they did in life.

From what I was taught the first level is reserved for those of god’s children who did not choose the right like; non-Christians, murderers, gays, lesbians, feminists, and scholars.

The second level is reserved for Christians who, however devout, happened to belong to wrong faith like Catholics and Protestants.

The third level of heaven, the best level, is reserved only for families who believed and belonged to the completely true church and that became married and sealed together by the correct authority in god’s house i.e. the temple.

Yes, we believe in temples, we don’t sacrifice animals in our temples as in the bible days of old but there are statues of bulls arranged in a circle with a Jacuzzi on top in which we are baptized for our dead ancestors and altars where we stand in place for our dead ancestors and marry them to each other forever.

Back to my point, only acceptance into the celestial kingdom can guarantee, that an individual, their spouse, and children will still be the essential family unit in the afterlife.

To put it more simply we believe that unless you are married in one of our temples your marriage and family unit do not extend past the bounds of this mortal world.

When you die your family does not continue, you are no longer man and wife and your children are no longer your children. So we as Mormons do not even really recognize most straight
marriages let alone the sinful nature of gay marriage. However plural marriage is okay when god tells the prophet so.

Samuel Smith is a junior
Majoring in Anthropology and truth through sarcasm

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