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Notes from the Doghouse
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Kermit: What holiday is the most confusing for you, Sam?
Sam: Thanksgiving, because when I’m eating the delicious dinner, I am very thankful; but afterward, when I’ve eaten too much, I don’t feel very thankful; then after the Tums or Rolaids or Nexium kicks in and I feel better, I am thankful again; but then, when that something in the turkey meat that makes you tired kicks in, it is always right when my wife hands me a big honey-do list, and I am not thankful for that; and by the time the day draws to a close, I am not too sure whether I am thankful or not.
Kermit: For me, it is Easter.
Sam: How come? You’re a believer, right? Easter is supposed to be the most glorious day of the year.
Kermit: Exactly. So where did the bunny and the eggs come into the picture? I don’t get it. When I was a kid growing up, I knew rabbits didn’t lay eggs, but I always wondered what happened to all those colorful chickens.
Sam: I wonder if Cheech and Chong ever figured it out? And, talking about Easter, my dad died on Easter Sunday.
Kermit: That’s too bad.
Sam: Not really, he was a Mormon, but he died in a Catholic church.
Kermit: Gee, I wonder what eternity has in store for him?
Sam: My step-mom was Catholic and every other year they would spend Easter in his church and then hers the next.
Kermit: The reason I asked you about confusing holidays was that they all seem to have confusing elements to them. Take Labor Day, for example.
Sam: I don’t know, every time I have Labor Day off, my wife has more work for me to do.
Kermit: If Labor Day is to honor the workforce by giving them a day off, why don’t they call it Laborless Day?
Sam: Maybe it is in honor of the labor women have to go through.
Kermit: Doesn’t Mother’s Day cover that?
Sam: Oh, yeah, but then there’s Father’s Day and I have more honey-dos to do. I’m getting to the point where I don’t like any holidays. But that’s not the only reason.
Kermit: You mean there’s more?
Sam: Every holiday my wife says, “What do you want to do on Father’s Day?” or “What do you want to do on your birthday?” I usually say I’d like to go to the Golden Corral to eat, and she says, “Oh no, we’re going out for Chinese food.” We have Chinese food everytime I turn around. I am getting sick and tired of Chinese food.
Kermit: But Sam, all the Chinese menus have American dishes on them: hamburgers, steak, hot dogs or something else. It’s right there near the end of the list on the last page.
Sam: Yeah, but I think my wife figured that out too, because we only go to the buffets; the ones that have octopus, squid, sea weed and all the other ugly things I don’t eat. Then, when we get home, she hands me the honey-do list.
Kermit: It sounds like, for your birthday, your wife gift-wraps your honey-do list as a present.
Sam: There is one plus side to all this.
Kermit: You mean-discouraging the young men on campus from getting married?
Sam: No-the honey-do list keeps me from sitting around and doing nothing and not working off the food we eat on the holidays. So, maybe holidays are a good thing, after all.
Kermit: Or maybe, honey-dos are the good things: if it weren’t for the holiday there’d not be as much to work off.
Sam: I just hope I don’t have to eat any hard-boiled eggs this Easter, because they make me … uh, they make me backfire, if you know what I mean.
Kermit: Well then, this year why not color raw eggs. You could sit back and watch the fun as the kids play catch with them.
KERMIT HALE AND SAM ROBISON
Culture Writers