Angry nerd rants

Hobbits are a skid mark on the underpants of Middle Earth. They’re the Tolkien equivalent of a hippie commune. I’m sick and tired of freeloaders living off the welfare of others, whether the welfare is that of the federal government or Gandalf the Grey. Maybe Frodo and Sam should get a job instead of hot-boxing the hobbit holes all day. No jobs in food service, though; hobbits don’t wear shoes – that wouldn’t be sanitary.

Hobbits are lazy people. I’ve only seen a Hobbit work twice. The first time was when Gandalf and Frodo were riding into town. They passed an old farmer tending to his “crops;” pretty shifty-eyed for harvesting carrots. That stuff has a street value of $50,000 a key in Gondor.

The only other time I’ve seen a hobbit work is to set up for a party. “Did you hear dude, Bilbo is turning eleventee?!” “Dude that’s so old! Lets get hammered man!” “Hella!” Hobbits consume way too many of Middle Earth’s much-needed natural resources, especially food. Gondor and Rohan are at war for the freedom of the entire world, but I guess munchies take precedence. Hobbits eat about eight times a day. Apparently it takes a lot of energy to sleep in until two, get high and watch a laser Floyd-esque fire works show. “Holy crap man! I thought that dragon was totally gonna eat me.” “Chill bro, it’s just like an illusion in your mind.” “Man I am tripping balls so hard! This Rivendale reefer is a monster.”

Some people may say that it was because of the bravery and fortitude of hobbits that Middle Earth was saved from Orc hoards. “Hobbits did destroy the ring,” one might say.

Hobbits may have ventured to Mordor, but it wasn’t to save the world.

Imagine their disappointment when they discovered Mt. Doom was not a giant water bong.

I strongly disagree with Gandalf’s decision to give the ring to Frodo. I suppose he thought that hobbits look inconspicuous, and he’s right. I would never expect a three-foot-tall, cape-wearing shoeless hippie to hold the power to destroy Middle Earth. It’s a good thing Frodo’s parole officer didn’t show up. “Where did you get that ring Frodo? I thought you were going clean.”

“Man, my wizard friend gave it to me. It used to be my uncle’s but he’s like 100 and eleventee. So it’s mine now, or whatever.”

“Jesus you’re high right now, hands behind your head!”

I’m surprised that Frodo didn’t pawn the ring for a dime bag of Hobbit Hash, five minutes outside Bagend. Hobbits didn’t fail to show bad judgment shortly after starting the ring quest. After Frodo, Sam, that one guy who died on “Lost,” and the currently unemployed one almost get murdered by ring wraiths, they all get plastered at the Inn of the Prancing Pony. Why let a group of eight-foot-tall immortal serial killers get in the way of a party? They’re like half-pint frat boys. It would have been nice if the ring wraiths called for back up, set up a road block and tossed around road flares.

So, here are some main points to wrap this up. Hobbits do way too many drugs. Look at Golem, “Come on baby! Let me hold the ring!” Hobbits can’t grow facial hair (too lazy even to commit to a hippie lifestyle), Hobbits held up the kettle corn line at the Hyde Park Street Fair, Hobbits supported Ron Paul.

MATT TRUSLOW
Special to the Arbiter

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