Notes from the doghouse

Sam: Kerm, I think I have a problem.

Kermit: You think?

Sam: Let me rephrase this. I have a problem.

Kermit: OK, let’s hear it.

Sam: You know, my wedding anniversary is coming up and my cat gave me an idea for the perfect gift for my Korean wife.

Kermit: The purr-fect gift idea from a cat would be a catnip toy or a giant furball.

Sam: I’m serious here. I was watching TV when my cat started to use its litter box and I began brainstorming.

Kermit: This should be good.

Sam: Every year I have had such a tough time trying to get her something she’d like.

She is the hardest person to please on the face of the planet. One year the thing that pleased her the most was a box of fish. This year, thanks to my cat, Punky, I came up with the ultimate gift. I wanted something that would remind her of the Fruit of the Spirit the Bible talks about.

Kermit: But, the Bible doesn’t mention litter boxes, does it?

Sam: First, I wanted her to know she is a queen.

Kermit: Ahh, you mean she is in charge.

Sam: Secondly, it should be something that could hold her up in times of need.

Kermit: A mugger?

Sam: Third, it had to be something she could remember me by.

Kermit: As if you were forgettable, ya big lug.

Sam: And fourth, something that would always be there for her. This is where I need your help.

Kermit: Let me see. How about a new scooper for the cat box?

Sam: You don’t understand. I have already decided what it will be. But I need some help.

Kermit: How much do you need?

Sam: I don’t need money. Do you have a wood-burning set?

Kermit: Uh, maybe. Why?

Sam: I picked out this nice, wooden toilet seat and lid for her.

Kermit: What? Are you nuts?

Sam: I need you to burn or engrave into the underneath side of the lid something she will see every time she …

Kermit: Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.

Sam: … lifts the lid. I want you to put in English around the top: “Queen of the House,” and around the bottom the same thing in Korean. And in the center of the lid I want a Korean yin-yang design.

Kermit: Is that all? Why not add the Korean Flag while you’re at it?

And maybe a small map of Korea, too? I could throw in some flowers and hearts around the borders too. Oh, and I could write a hundred or so Scriptures in Korean while I’m at it.

Sam: Just say no if you don’t want to.

Kermit: Just kidding, dude. Bring it over and I’d be glad to.

Sam: There’s just one more thing.

Kermit: I knew it. I just knew there’d be a string attached. Or, in this case, a chain.

Sam: Please do not say Queen of the Outhouse when you write the Korean words there.

Kermit: Now, would I do something like that?

KERMIT HALE AND SAM ROBISON
Culture Writers

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