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Notes from the Doghouse
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Kermit: Sam, are you ready for the semester?
Sam: Not really. I thought I was going to have to undergo prostate surgery a few weeks ago, but it fell through. I still haven’t really gotten over the vision I had of going to class with a bag hanging off me.
Kermit: It sounds like we’re getting old, buddy.
Sam: When I was younger, all the pretty girls would get to me. All I could think of was them, and drinking whiskey with coke chasers and passing out . now it’s Smooth Move tea and Citricel and pass something else. Don’t look at me like that; you’re a little more crotchety than you used to be.
Kermit: What do you mean? I only get crotchety when you say something and I can’t hear what you said and ask you to repeat it, only to hear you explain what you said as if I didn’t understand you, instead of repeating it so I could have a chance to.
Sam: Whatever. There’s another big thing with me going on. I’m becoming more like my dad, and I always said I didn’t want to. Loud noises bother me now and I used to like them. You know, concerts and loud mufflers. Now all I want is peace and quiet.
Kermit: You know, my dad told me there are two sure signs of old age: one is loss of memory and . I forget what the other one was.
Sam: I know what it is: If it doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t work.
Kermit: Oh yeah. Well, let’s hope our memories work until the summer break.
Sam: I doubt mine will. I went to the dentist the other day and sat in the chair and said, “Just a little off the top, please.”
Kermit: There’s another sign of old age: not being able to get around as well as we used to. I remember last year, in front of the Mall, you slipped on the ice and fell.
Sam: Everyone inside thought there was an earthquake or something. I slipped again this year.
Kermit: Oh? I didn’t hear about that. You didn’t get hurt, did you?
Sam: No, but I was sure embarrassed. I parked at a bank and when I came outside, I remembered I couldn’t unlock my van from the driver’s side and there was a big pile of snow next to the passenger side. I crawled over it to my door and slipped and slid under my van. I felt like a beached whale. Anyway, there was a bush sticking up through the snow and it smelled of dog urine. I had to grab hold of it to pull myself up and in the process, dropped my keys. They slid back under the van and I had to go back down to retrieve them. It took a long time but I finally made it. Years ago I could have just jumped down there and it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. But I learned something.
Kermit: To get your lock fixed?
Sam: No, I can be thankful for things like dog urine. It probably kept the bush alive and I was glad it was there.
Kermit: Wow, being thankful for dog urine. That’s a new one, but I guess you’re right. We tend to take things for granted. Not being able to get around as easily as we used to is one of the reasons I’m going to college. My back just won’t let me do the things I used to. Come on, let’s got get some Geritol.
KERMIT HALE AND SAM ROBISON
Culture Writers