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Boise State, naughty or nice, Santa is checking his list twice
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Whether or not Boise State students are ready for it, someone will soon be riding through campus on a one-horse open sleigh. His name is Santa Clause and he knows whether or not you’ve been naughty or nice. But since so many of us have been naughty this year, I must beg: Please don’t follow the rules this time Santa!
When Rudolph’s nose stops glowing because he’s run out of “juice”, should he really be put out to pasture for it? When the Nutcracker breaks or malfunctions, do you throw him out and immediately make haste to the nearest Best Buy for one of their newer, state-of-the-art electronic nutcrackers? Who would Tiny Tim be today if no one had helped him? A paraplegic, that’s who!
Boise State University would certainly welcome any redemption you reward us with this year Santa Clause. Why? For starters there’s Amy Ortmann and Cameron Wiemerslage, both of whom have been as naughty as can be. Both purposely missed a huge portion of work responsibilities over the summer, and both have already paid for their mistakes, so I ask of you Santa: Please have mercy on them. At least fill their stockings full of goodies if you can’t see fit to bestow the underside of their Christmas trees with presents this year. However, just one warning: Don’t expect either one of them to put forth the effort of leaving you any milk and cookies by the fireplace.
Leave professor Linda Emery a Christmas card or something. She’s the professor we had to fire earlier this semester for being too naughty. Both innocent and nice students complained about her usage of profane language, her failure to prepare a proper syllabus, her failure to teach the course material, her unprofessional behavior, her neglect when it came to taking attendance, and her early dismissal of classes. Wow! Okay Santa, ignore everything I said about leniency toward professor (if she’s even still a professor) Linda Emery. She actually was too naughty this year to deserve anything. Oh well, there’s always the mistletoe. That rule still applies with her case, doesn’t it?
I really hate to have to beg for them because technically they’re not a part of our campus at all, but could you please still find it in your heart to bless the Hawaii Warriors’ football team this season? I know it was naughty of them to slaughter our Boise State Broncos the way they did, especially after the Broncos worked so hard to be nice this season, but the Warriors felt threatened by our past greatness and anyone else in their position would’ve done the same thing.
Besides, next year we’re going to seriously make them pay for what they did. We’re going to eat them alive, then spit their bones back out at the stupid Jurassic Park dinosaurs infesting their little islands. Oh my, I’m suddenly turning naughty. I’ve got to move on before I ruin everything.
I have one final request Santa. Again, my next naughty candidate has not been to school in many years, nor is he a Boise State graduate (he’s from University of Idaho), but he does write articles for the Arbiter occasionally and he visits campus often enough for me to mention him: he’s Sen. Larry Craig.
I know you probably hate homosexuality Santa, but I’m here to tell you that if there’s any amount of compassion left in you after hearing this list, you should spare some for our senator.
He may lack ethical common sense and pretty much blew any chance of finding his way out of the naughty category for at least this year, but he did plenty of nice things throughout his career. He exposed the Clinton Administration’s support of Iranian arms shipments to Bosnia and Herzegovina, supported the guest worker program, was an adversary of the Patriot Act, and started a barbershop quartet called The Singing Senators with three other fellow senators, but he’s not gay, not at all.
That’s why I know you could at least let the mistletoe rule apply here.
Just hang it somewhere in a bathroom stall.
None of what I’ve told you is a lie Santa Clause, because I know that lying makes baby Jesus cry.
I promise you that we’ll keep in mind that Christmas is all (or at least mostly) about baby Jesus and what he would do.
We’ll continue to do our part by repeating the sounding joy, but only if you shed some mercy on all of us hard working students (except for the Warriors who don’t count and who we’ll punish next year anyway) and shower our lustrous campus with many good tidings and great joy.
And if you forget our presents or you don’t see fit to grant us any at all then don’t bother showing your face on our campus or your fate will be the same as those as that UH sometime next year.
ERIC MARTINEZ
Special to the Arbiter