Notes from the Doghouse

Sam: Last week we explained why we say we’re in the doghouse when we get into trouble, but I forgot the main reason.

Kermit: What’s that?

Sam: Do you remember my Popian-Shelty mix, Mandy?

Kermit: Yes and I see what you’re getting at.

Sam: Yes, and you suggested I use alcohol to remove a big tick from her back. You told me your mother used to do it to your dog.

Kermit: Yes, but my mom used my dad’s alcohol. He used to brew wine, but one batch fermented so long it was almost 200-proof. It really worked on removing ticks.

Sam: We were out of booze and I remembered my mom used to use rubbing alcohol, so I asked you if you thought it would be OK, instead of liquor.

Kermit: I said, “It probably wouldn’t taste very good but it might work on the tick.”

Sam: Well, we tried it, but the tick just ignored our efforts to extract it.

Kermit: We discussed things for about five minutes, when you remembered that a burning match works on removing ticks and I thought by this time the alcohol would have evaporated, so I told you to try it.

Sam: As I went to put the flaming match next to the tick, Mandy had a strange look on her face.

Kermit: Mortification would be more like it.

Sam: That was the only time I ever saw a dog go “POOF!”

Kermit: It was like having a comet streaking around the living room. Her hair was on fire and so were the curtains.

Sam: My wife was yelling two sets of instructions at once: one for me to put the dog “out” and the other was to grab the curtains and take them into the kitchen sink. What a mess. It took a while to calm Mandy down. She wasn’t hurt, thank goodness, but she looked like a blind barber had gotten a hold of her.

Kermit: At least the tick left.

Sam: I noticed you didn’t take long to leave either.

Kermit: As mad as your wife was, I thought she’d kill us both.

Sam: Ever since then, Mandy would see me and there would be a bug-eyed look on her face. I don’t think she ever figured out that it was an accident.

Kermit: I remember the next Sunday at church the sermon was on the Lake of Fire and your wife leaned over and whispered something in your ear. What was it?

Sam: She said that she knew Mandy was going to doggy heaven when she died, because I had already put her through hell.

SAM ROBISON AND KERMIT HALE
Culture Writers

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